Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Ask Sargeras!

Wow...y'all sent in a lot of questions this time! Keep 'em coming. I may not be able to post every question I get, but I do read them all.

Oh and before I forget, if you haven't already, make sure you tell me if you want a T-shirt.

Dear Sargeras:

I am curious about your childhood. Are there stories you can share about your youth?

Various Members of Kul Tiras

Heh. I was a fun kid. Me and Aggramar used to run around all over the place together. I'd steal Khaz'goroth's hammer while Aggramar distracted him, and we'd play monkey-in-the-middle till my big brother Aman'Thul made us quit. Then we'd sit next to stars and suck the polar ice caps off planets. Man, those were the days!

Aggramar isn't half as much fun as he used to be. If Aggramar had a blog now it'd be called "Weak Tea With Aggramar" and the first post would say "I'm boring" and every post after would say "See previous post." I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it.

Dear Sargeras,

I was just wondering... Did the scratch from Broxigar's suped-up axe scar? I assume that would not be very attractive on anyone's leg. If so, do any scar creams even work for a fallen titan such as yourself?

Thanks for your time, with love
- A zombie with knives

Ugh, don't get me started on Broxigar. There I am, sipping my cappuccino and reading XKCD, when all of a sudden this little dude busts out of nowhere, yellin' and carryin' on. Which was bad enough, but then he's all killing my demons and shit. Not cool! Most people would've squished him on the spot, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt - I figured he was lost, maybe trying to ask for directions, maybe only knew how to talk in some kind of horribly obscure axe-swinging language. Well, whatever. He cuts me a little, I cut him a lot, done and done. I guess they say he's some kind of legendary warrior now.

And yeah, there's a scar. The creams work fine, but good luck trying to talk your demon-lord general into applying six hundred thousand tubes of four ounces each.

Dear Sargeras.

I have been told by some that those who are loyal to you will not be destroyed. However, some others are of the opinion that you will simply leave us until last. I am quite happy with either! Please, enlighten me on the truth.

..Be honest.

Sincerely, a most loyal follower.

I'm glad you asked, because there's a lot of confusion on this point. The answer is that everybody gets burned up indiscriminately. Two reasons.

First, can you imagine keeping track of the follower/non-follower status of every being on every planet in the entire universe? And then, can you imagine getting to the planet to destroy it, and having to consult your list every time you wanted to squish a dude? Man, that's like bringing V8 to a keg party. We're all about chaos. Sounds like an awful lot of order to me.

But the second reason is this. If you were really as hardcore as you say, why would you want to be destroyed last?

O mighty dark Titan,

Though I quiver in fear and anticipate the day you end my measly existance, I find some solace in the fact that the being of my destruction is so well read. What literary figures do you draw inspiration from - so that I may read them before you demolish my species?

- One Of Countless Millions You'll Inevitably Kill.

Another excellent question. In today's low-attention-span, I-want-it-now culture, it's so important to set aside time for reading, isn't it? As you can see from my profile, I really enjoyed 1984 and Animal Farm - dystopias just get me going, as you can imagine. Wasn't as big a fan of Anthem or Fahrenheit 451, though. What kind of dystopia has a happy ending? Nihilism is where it's at, which is why I also loved Lord of the Flies. (Equally morbid but less depressing: The Death of Ivan Ilyich. Check it out!) Oh, and I'm all about The Silmarillion. Morgoth, my man, kickin' some ass in Beleriand! Take that, Fingolfin!

But my bookshelf isn't all doom and gloom. I've mentioned that I like the Harry Potter books. Watership Down is another classic, and I was a big fan of Lord Valentine's Castle. Mary Stewart's Merlin series is amazing as well.

Oh, and anything by Stephen King, obviously. I am the Dark Titan after all!

Dear Great Sargeras,

I know it is your foremost intention to rid the universe of life, but I must ask you something. If you ever find a planet called Earth, orbiting around the Milky Way galaxy, you will probably notice life abounds. However, there is a sub-species of humans called 'Gamers' who, apparently, have no life. My question is this; in your plan to destroy all life, will these individuals be spared, or do you count them as being alive as well?

Also, off on a tangent, one of your earlier posts mentioned you destroying solar systems. Technically they are star systems, as 'solar system' refers to the star system of the star Sol. Of course, it could just be your uber coffee making you jittery.

Hail the Dark Titan,

~Soeroah of Caelestrasz

PS: You're a being of the Universe. Azeroth- flat or spherical?

This is sneaky - working in three questions in one. What the hell, I'm feeling generous today.

RE: Gamers. I wouldn't say they have no lives. It's really more of a...Half-Life. Bwa ha ha! Oh, I am hilarious. No but seriously though, everyone gets wiped out, no exceptions.

RE: Solar systems. In addition to being hilarious, I am also right.

RE: Azeroth. It's round now, but it'll be flat by the time I get through with it. Although I guess technically, it'll still be round, it just won't be spherical anymore.

Dear Sargee,

Do you have a gf?
And also since Kil'jaeden is your right hand and Archimonde is left one, do you occasionally bang them together? Just for the hell of it?

Marzenia, Burning Legion EU

I dated Eonar back in the day, but we split up when I went dark. She gave me the "It's not you, it's me" routine. I was like...look. I use cities as finger paint. It's me. Last I heard she was shacked up with Aman'Thul (moar lik Aman'Dull amirite?). Pretty sure she still wants me though.

Anyway, I've been a bachelor ever since. None of the other titan girls were interested, and I'm sure you can see how any other species would be, er, problematic.

As for Archimonde, he's dead, and good riddance too. They didn't call him the Defiler for nothing. I mean, I burn planets and all, but Archie was just...weird.


Dear Sargeras, Dark Titan of the Burning Legion:

I'm a paladin, so this sort of thing isn't really my forte let's say, but I really need to know: what's there to do out there in the Twisting Nether? I've always assumed that there's nothing, but your latest posts have enlightened me to your knowledge of (that pussy) Voldemort and Robert Frost. If indeed there are movies and chips (possibly salsa), I may pay you a visit.


I tell ya, the Internet has really changed things in these parts. Used to be the only fun you could have was Constructing Order From Chaos and Rending Order Into Chaos. It was boring, sure, but we got stuff done. Now? I spend five hours every day just browsing Wikipedia and looking at lolcats. Why else do you think Azeroth is still in one piece?

As for visiting, I'd advise against it. The salsa of the Burning Legion is rather...hot.


Soeroah said...

I knew it was a bad idea to argue with a being as old as the universe about the nature of the universe. Curses!

Also, what if you just warped Azeroth out of shape a little?

Sargeras said...

Well, we'll just have to see, won't we? ;-)

Soeroah said...

But I'll either be long dead or be in the middle of a demon apocolypse by then!

Molinu said...

lolcats are the only thing preserving humanity. Who woulda thought.

Anonymous said...

Eonar is so hot....


Sargeras said...

She is. And this picture hardly does her justice. You should've seen her in the sunlight...

Anonymous said...

Kul Tiras rocks my socks!

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