Wednesday, March 25, 2009

It seems my reputation precedes me

THIS IS HTE BEST BLO G EVERR!!!!!!!11!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*takes a sip of coffee*

Ahem. That's better.

You'll forgive me if I don't offer you any coffee. The pot is the size of the Caspian Sea, and I flavor it with the sweetness of a trillion wailing souls, plus a teaspoon of half-and-half. It's an acquired taste. Sorry for not getting you a chair - I'm sitting inside the raw manifestation of Chaos, on a seat forged out of entropy. Its very existence is a paradox. Not very comfortable, you know.

To business.

I've gotten something of a bad reputation in the...what's it called...Universe. People seem to think I'm pure, unadulterated evil. Warriors sit around and chat about slaying me. My friends on Facebook are two billion demons and a fifteen-year-old girl with black lipstick. I am rarely invited to bar mitzvahs. That sort of thing.

And I'll admit, the animosity is not completely unwarranted. Because let's face it - and I'm not going to sugar-coat this at all - I am systematically eradicating every living thing in existence.

I know, right?

But look, that doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Get to know me a little, and you'll see that under my hideous lethal blackened fifty-foot-thick smoldering molten spell-enchanted exterior, I'm really just a regular guy. I play tennis. I watch Seinfeld. I compose and recite poetry. And if here and there I obliterate a sentient species, well, are you really going to hold that against me? I mean, come on - I am the personification of the Second Law of Thermodynamics. What would you do on the weekends?

Well, enjoy the blog. I'll post chat logs and haikus; I'll answer e-mail; I'll make witty observations and indulge in amusing wordplay. And who knows, I might open it up to guest bloggers once in a while.

Have a great day. Unless I blow up your planet today! Hahahahaha!

No but seriously, I'm going to go wipe out a solar system.

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