Voldemort is a pussy

A lot of people hate on the Harry Potter books, but I thought they were all right. A little simplistic ethics-wise, a little overcomplicated plot-wise, a little slow in places. But overall? Good, solid, page-turning reads.

Just one problem. Voldemort.

Look, I consider myself something of a connoisseur when it comes to villainy, so I have to ask - are we even supposed to take this guy seriously?

Let me break it down for you.



The whole thing starts when Big V tries a killing curse on little Harry, only to have it bounce back from Mrs. Potter's love and self-sacrifice. I'll say that again. His power was deflected due to love. Do you realize how ridiculous that is? Let me put this another way. Which of these two sentences is more likely to come out of Baron Harkonnen's mouth?

1. "Oh snap! I can't conquer the galaxy because Paul's mother cares about him!"
2. "Oh snap! I can't conquer the galaxy because I got stabbed in the neck with a poison needle in the middle of an invasion by mile-long sandworms!"

If you guessed the second one, congratulations. Frank Herbert hearts you too.

Moving on. Voldemort can't win against a baby, so it's no surprise when he fails even more spectacularly against a prepubescent boy. Yes, Mr. Riddle, your triumph over Ron's little sister is indeed glorious, but if you can't rise to the challenge of her twelve-year-old champion, it's time to throw in the towel.

Again, some perspective. Remember that part in Empire Strikes Back where Luke thinks he's winning against Vader but Vader's really just playing with him? Okay, imagine Luke actually won in that scene. Now imagine Luke had yet to discover testosterone, and see how credible your Sith Lord is.

Speaking of Empire Strikes Back. Ever notice that anytime there's a credible villain, he usually gets some recognition in the titles? Three of the six Star Wars subtitles refer to the bad guys. The Lord of the Rings is named entirely after its villain. The Wrath of Khan isn't called Kirk Whines a Lot, and Wrath of the Lich King sure as hell isn't called A Bunch of Noobs Running Around Getting Their Asses Handed To Them. Why, then, out of seven Harry Potter titles, does not even one so much as mention He-Who-Isn't-Cool-Enough-To-Be-Named?

And finally...the wands. Voldemort spends his last two thousand pages or so in a tizzy because his wand just isn't as boss as Harry's. First of all, this sounds like a personal problem - but put that aside for a moment, and do some logic with me. If your Wizard Wand isn't as powerful as another Wizard Wand, do you spend half the series running around trying to find a better Wizard Wand? No, because you're too busy using your nigh-omnipotent powers to drop a thirty-ton boulder on his head. I don't have to worry about wand-oneupmanship, and do you know why? That's right, kids. Because my fists are the size of blue whales, and they're made out of metal that is on fire.

Thanks for playing, Tom. Better luck next time.