Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Ask Sargeras! In which beards are discussed, albeit briefly.

Today's mailbag asks some tough questions, like: How good of a servant is Kil'jaeden, really? WTF is up with zebras? What can aspiring world-smashers do to advance their careers? And of course that old standby, How many grammatical errors can we fit into a single e-mail?

We'll get to all of them. Read on.

My Lord-

I have been flourishing on the planet Azeroth for years, now. It's fantastic, except for one tiny little detail.

It seems that every time I slaughter a village, I'll return to it in a few days to find that it is thriving once again, all the people I had just maimed walking about as if nothing had happened. It's..a little discouraging.

I ask you, my Master, please tell me how you will combat this once your Lordship returns to Azeroth to wreak Your terrible vengeance, so I may do the same.

Yours for eternity,
-Xnthb Lkrantix, Felguard

PS: My felhounds are becoming incessantly disobedient. How may I reign them back in? Those pesky mages' fireballs hurt like the dickens.

First of all, let me say thank you, Xnthb, for serving in the Burning Legion. Without the hard work you and your fellow Felguards put in day after day, our Crusade would be mere vaporware.

Yes, the regeneration of villagers can indeed be discouraging, but take heart; your efforts are not in vain. Here's a little-known fact: one in every three billion villagers has a prize inside, and someday, that decoder ring will be yours!

Regarding disobedient felhounds - are you a demon or are you a demon? If a minion disobeys you, slaughter it like the dog it is and get a new one. It's what Sargeras would do.

Greetings, Sargeras, it's me.

I was wondering what kind of books you enjoy, if you are able to read any without burning the pages in an agony of hellfire, of course.

And being a paradoxical being of both metal AND fire, how often do you shower?


The question about books is already answered in several other places. As to showers, once an aeon, whether I need it or not! Though of course they are all...meteor showers. (*chortle* Oh, does my hilarity know no bounds?)

Dear all powerful lord of the burning Legion, Sargeras,

Things just haven't been the same since Kil'jaeden took over and started bossing us around. He's a pretty evil guy, admittedly, but he just isn't efficient. He doesn't have the skill to effectively manage an organization of this size. have you seen what he's done at his throne? He's wasting perfectly good demons that could be used a meat shields to power some Blood Elves and make them wana-be demons. All it takes is a little demon blood and a crystal and- poof! those little posers are weak little wretched crawling on the ground, begging for mana.

Whatever happened to just rolling over armies with an impossible swarm of demons? Kil'jaeden just keeps making these crack-pot ideas that are wasting our time and resources.

Missing the good old days,

Kazuul the Dreadlord,
Steamwheedle U.S.

The sad truth is that even ancient, respectable demonic legions like ours have fallen on hard times due to the economic downturn. Our "impossible swarms" have gotten all too possible of late, and sometimes infernal soldiers who have served for twenty or even thirty millennia end up with pink slips. (Well, they're more like fiery, blazing, red-and-black slips, but you know what I mean.) Just be glad you still have a job.

As for the demons we're sacrificing, no worries - we only kill the ones that go afk during raids.

Hei buddee

Hao yew doin, big Gai? Da odder dai, I waz eetin a nome and I wunnrd, haz joo taystud wun? Dey so dulishus. Eef joo gimme a job, I ken bring joo sum, man. Allada guizes wud luv em wit sum kechap!

--Al O'Zare (alozare :D)
P.S. Joo steel invitd to my burfdee partee. Joo haz 3 weks to reppli!

P.p.S. Bring sodaz

P.p.P.S. Bring drugz. We ned moar.

P.p.p.s.S. Plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plod
Sent from my iPod

Seek help.

Dear Lord of the unseen cruelty,

I always asked myself whether you really like destroying all existent life or not.
I mean. Seriously. You come, kill, go on killing and then leave. Sounds kind of boring to me. Don't get me wrong! Maybe I just don't understand the pleasure you get from crushing existences like flies.
Oh yeah, there is another question thats bugging me for years now:
Is a zebra white with black stripes or is it black with white stripes?
Forgive my impudence, but you as an omnipotent being should know the answer
for sure.

One of the countless lifes you will take some day.

Of course, any job has its occasional sour notes, but what really gets me up in the morning isn't so much the burning, the destruction, or the worshipful adoration of my myriad servants. No, the real motivator for me is power - raw, unbridled, ridiculous power.

It's like having your own personal Death Star that's inside you. Sure, the seventh moon of Planet Peacelovinghappyworld doesn't need to be destroyed, but come on - what else are you going to do with it? And I've got to say, it just never, ever, ever gets old. I mean that from the bottom of my charbroiled heart.

As for zebras, does it really matter? The point is, they're racially segregated, and that should be bad enough for anyone.

As I was reading your blog, wondering if You would obliterate me through my monitor, I came across the relatively recent Voldemort post and why he's a really, REALLY shitty villain. I was thus inspired to ask: who are your favorite villains (besides yourself, of course), and can you think of any that are worse than Voldemort?

Also, in your picture, you have an amazing beard. Being a dwarf, I must know what you groom it with, and how long it took for it to grow.


This is such a great question that it deserves its own post, which I will have to write someday, but I'll answer you briefly now.

Truly high-quality villainy is rare these days, because so many villains have forgotten what it's all about. It isn't the consonant-filled names, or the black cloaks, or the dark towers, or the superweapons that define a villain. They help, of course, but they should never distract from the true focus: being evil.

Voldemort is the perfect example; he was so busy performing horrific rituals and painting his toenails black that he never made time to actually get his bad on, which is why he was defeated by a gaggle of schoolchildren. Sad, really. And unfortunately he is far from the worst. Did you catch Megatron in that live-action Transformers movie? Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

If you want to see how to do it right, take a look at Scar from The Lion King. He didn't have any Omnipotent Crystals of Power, wasn't trying to rule the universe or show off his tattoos. But remember that scene right after Mufasa dies where he looks at Simba and says, "No one ever...means for these things to happen"? If you can watch that scene and still have any doubt that Scar is an epic-level villain, I submit that you are Doing It Wrong.

As to your second question, my beard has continued to grow slowly but steadily each day since I last had it shaved, eight hundred thousand years ago. I comb it with the souls of the unworthy.

when you aretn like, killing people and burning stuff, what do you do in your free time?

i like to imagine that you enjoy insulting inferior races and flamboyantly disregarding the feelings of others.

would i be correct to assume that?

Perish the thought! I may be an unstoppable freight train of death and destruction, but that does not make me insensitive! The mere fact that I will inevitably separate your carbon atoms into nonadjacent parsecs hardly means we should give up on thoughtful dialogue.

In my free time? Well, I blog occasionally.

Dear Dark Titan

I have a question for you. Once you destroy all other life than you, will you commit suicide? Because you stated, and I quote "No but seriously though, everyone gets wiped out, no exceptions."
If you don't then you mean that you got no life. In earths matter you are a gamer. So gamers are you and you are they so you cannot destroy them.
If on the other hand you do decide to kill youself I can think of 1 word that starts with an E.

Sincerely, Gamer Union Protection Agency (G.U.P.A.)

ps: it can be very lonely after you destroy everything, have considered chaneling your rage in more constructive ways? Say making new worlds (so that you can destroy later and remake, and destroy again). If possible after each remake keep the memmories of the habitats, this should increase agony.

I can think of a lot of words that start with E, but not very many of them are related to suicide. But as to your question - will I kill myself at the very end? Not sure yet. I guess I'll decide after I've finished wiping out everyone who takes sentences too literally.

Dear Sargeras,

I am a fellow galactic force of destruction from another universe, however I am still in training. I've been doing good with stone age worlds and up to copper age, but ever since my supervisor started giving me contracts for worlds with magic or medieval and upwards civilisation I've been having trouble to keep my quota. I either get held up on the resident resistance, or my minions betray me. Can you, as a man with aeons of experience in the field, give an up and coming colleague some pointers?

Seeking for Advice

Ah yes, the so-called "Medieval Barrier" is a difficult hurdle in the career of any young up-and-coming destroyer. The trick is to wreak as much havoc as possible from orbit before descending into the atmosphere. Also, if possible, try to take the form of a local deity - that should keep them guessing for a while.

As for minion betrayal - kill 'em, every time, no exceptions. Letting them live just sets a bad example for the rest. A lot of would-be overlords worry they can no longer sustain this practice when their minion levels drop too low, but trust me - it's better than the alternative.

Best of luck!

Dear 'The Dark Titan,'

First things first, you are a great overlord. I so look forward to the day when you finally just stop by and totally obliterate Earth, but I've got to ask: will we subjected to eternal torture after death, or do you have mercy once you've beat the living crap out of us and had your laughs, and let us live in the Nether and play tennis with comets and stuff?

And another question, if you'd grace me with an answer, my liege: do you get dental with the whole supreme evil of the universe thing? Because I've been considering looking into being a demon-minion. Oh, speaking of demon-minions, are you hiring? Do they die too, when you destroy enough worlds?

Thanks, and my eternal gratitude and servitude.

- Celeania of US-Moon Guard

Eternal torture? Hell no. I just blow stuff up, man, I'm not, like, a sicko or something.

I do get dental, but it sucks - the cleaning assistants are all Felguards. (No offense, Xnthb.)

Impossibly Powerful Dark Titan -

Did you have any schooling in the ways of destruction? Or was it an instinctual thing? On that note, did you have any schooling? Did you go to school? Were you a good student?

- A pathetic Human

Why of course - surely you don't think I got to where I am today by being a dropout? No, indeed, I have a Bachelor's in Applied Macrodisintegration (with a minor in pottery), a Master's in Infernal Management, and a PhD in Ecological Pyroengineering. Yes, that's Doctor Sargeras to you!

I am Mr.Patrick Chan director of operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd.I
have urgent and very confidential business proposition involving
transferof $30,000,000.00.for more information contact me on my private
emial address

Mr. Chan, would you believe that by some mistake this delightful business proposition landed in my spam folder? Please send me my $30 million immediately to the following address:

ATTN: Department of Shutting the Hell Up
1337 GoFuckYourself Ave
GTFO City, Twisting Nether, Great Dark

Thanks Mr. Chan, and thanks everyone else for your great e-mails! Keep 'em coming!


Argolo said...

Very interessting, but did you ever thought what was going to happen, if your brothers got to know what you where doing all day long? I mean they won't be that happy you smashed their beloved sandcastle.

Might Mun said...

Oh man, I know a Mr.Chan that lives near me, a bit too near. I should probably take a vacation for a few half-lives of uranium or whatever it is that's created in a fiery ball of ultima destruction wielded by a omnipotent being.

Sargeras said...

You might be safe for now, actually. I'm not convinced spammers are really from Earth.

Anonymous said...

How happened that you are Vanir, but your brother is Aesir?

Sargeras said...

Vanir? I hardly know 'er!

Soeroah said...

I know that your powers of retention...

Got a great voice, that guy. I keep imagining Illidan singing that song.

Anonymous said...

"when you aretn like, killing people and burning stuff, what do you do in your free time?

i like to imagine that you enjoy insulting inferior races and flamboyantly disregarding the feelings of others.

would i be correct to assume that?"

Shouldn't it be ....

When you aren't like, killing people and burning stuff, what do you do in your free time?

I like to imagine that you enjoy insulting inferior races and flamboyantly disregarding the feelings of others.

Would I be correct to assume that?

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