Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Ask Sargeras! In which I get sued by NASA.

Hello, Lord Sargeras, bane of all life.

I am Keranx, I'm an enlightened (or as the mortals refer to it as, corrupted) Eredar that has been following you ever since your campaign on Argus. Two questions here, did Azshara ever call back? You know, after the... incident.

Second question, isn't it hard to slaughter and destroy worlds with a shattered/half of a sword?

With love,
Archwarlock Keranx.

Did Azshara call back? Not really. Only thing from her is, once in a while I get these epic eight-minute drunk-dial voicemails. Shit, here's one now, actually. Let me play it back for you:

"Heeeey Sargie! Hahahaha...so listen...no, shut up, I'm calling him! Haha...so y'know my lower half is a snake now..."

Fun fact: if working your gonads requires herpetological expertise, it is not a selling point.

As for my sword, nah, it's better this way actually. My previous sword was - and I'm quoting WoWWiki directly - "semi-sentient." There are a lot of things I look for in a greatsword, but Mensa membership is not one of them.


Dear Destroyer of Worlds,

I was just wondering what coffee do You actually drink. Since it is a Coffee with Sargeras blog...
Do You mill Your own coffee grains? Or maybe You have slaves to do that for You.
Do You like extra foam!?
Please share... I would like to follow Your indisputable taste.

Yours truly
Marzenia

My caffeine preferences cannot be described in mortal language, of course, but I think this comes pretty close. BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE COFFEE!!


Dear Fallen Titan,

If you were to die (speaking theoretically, of course), what would you drop for loot?

Sincerely,
Amaralith, Trollbane-US

This.

No, just kidding.

This.


Flaming Leviathan Of Fire, Metal, and Hate, Consumer of Worlds, Destroyer of Life, and Ruiner of azeroth,

What exactly happened at that christmas party?

-Tom

Let me put it this way. When someone reaches out a hand to grab some calamari, you're okay. When someone reaches out a paw to grab some calamari, you're okay. When someone reaches out a tentacle to grab some calamari, it's a bad, bad situation.

C'mon, Yogg. Let's let bygones be bygones. We're not so different, you and I. Apart from that whole "hideously ugly" thing you've got going on.

I'm actually not that good at reconciliation?


Greetings Great One,

I was wondering in all of your trips conquering worlds if you have been near Cybertron. If so, what do you think of the one named Unicron. A robotic planet that eats other planets. I figured if it wasn't for the whole "I could destory planets better than you" fight that would break out, you two could be good buddies, but would destroying something that destroyed other worlds by consuming them give you the ultimate orgasm (which would in turn cause the destruction of even more worlds)?

-A Countless Future Victim

Yes, it did.

Hey, where did you think the Oort Cloud came from?

(Poor, poor Voyager 2...)


O Pernicious Pasha of Pandemonium,

Scar is a villain. The Emperor is a villain (along with most Sith Lords). Dante's Lucifer is a villain. After learning a bit about hinduism, one becomes curious, are these evildoers simply faces of a singular big baddie? If so, are you somehow an image of a hierarchically superior malefactor, or are you, in fact, this masked super-entity? As a being knowledgeable of fundamental natures of existence perhaps you can answer this.
Also, what do you think is the most enjoyable method of geocide/genocide?

Thanks,
Someone-seeking-a-way-out-of-inevitable-destruction-through-existential-query

PS: When you eradicate planets, do you... Jizz. In. Your pants?!

Not in my pants, no.

If you're asking whether I'm some kind of Platonic ideal of evilness, I'm, uh, not really sure? I mean, I look in the mirror, and the face I see is pretty damn evil. But is it all it can be? Is it the paragon of malevolence? The nadir of compassion?

Hard to say. That's why every day is a fresh challenge.

The most enjoyable form of geocide is Exponential Tribble Multiplication. Fuzzy dooooom!


Dear Sargeras,
I'll make this short and painless and ask the question everybody wants, yet nobody dares to ask: Do titan males have penisses and if yes what are your measurements?
Sincerely
Anatomically Curious

I believe one of my readers has answered this one already.

Thanks everybody! Keep those questions coming!

12 comments:

bigfootgolem said...

Hmmm, I think i sense many many rule 34s coming up...
As for coffee, I like them bitter sweet, something along the lines of Mocha.

Amaralith said...

So I won't be able to dual wield Taeshalach and Gorribal? :(

Oh well, atleast that squirrel armor is pretty sweet.

Sargeras said...

@ bigfootgolem: Bittersweet, somewhere along the lines of my memories of childhood. O_o Wait what?

@ Amaralith: Yes, it is possible that the largest sword in the universe will require both hands. ;-)

Ben said...

WTB Sargeras fist sized sockem boppers.
</Random>

Sorcer said...

If you would drop this squirrel armor... I would have to kill you over and over and over again (yeah I know sounds paradox, but hey: Anything goes in WoW...) to suit up my stuffed squirrel army.

Molinu said...

... is it just me, or is your fanmail starting to get creepy?

Anonymous said...

hehe - gonads - bb

Sargeras said...

@ Ben: I'm not gonna lie, that would be wicked sweet.

@ Sorcer: Now you know why I'm not a fightable boss!

@ Molinu: a little bit yes@ bb: Keeping it classy I see. ;-)

tom said...

Yay! My question got answered.

Rule 34 has already been activated. :P

Red said...

The creepy male stalker-ish stuff is actually a refreshing change from the usual OMG BEWBS!1!!one! stuff elsewhere. Being a female of one of the species, it's nice to see the other side for once.

You're to be commended for your candid responses, as well. Some evil overlords would blush and change the subject. It's great to see one that doesn't bother getting caught up in silly things such as "modesty".

jojoza said...

@Not in my pants, no.

Do you actually wear pants? =)

Sorcer said...

Well, I sincerely doubt, that you will ever give Blizz the permission to make you a fightable boss.
But hey, why don't you come and visit us some time soon?
We host a nice BBQ and... well then we'll see what sinister plans you have for Voldemort....

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