Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Ask Sargeras! In which a live antelope is used in an unusual way.

Dear being of inconceivable horror that puny words could not begin to describe,

As you may well know your demonlord Kil'jaeden screwed the pooch (so to speak) on his attempt to take Azeroth. I decided to look up how this encounter went and how the weak, nothing warriors managed to send him back to your realm. Something caught my eye that you should know about. The warriors said Kil'jaeden was quoted as saying:

"The expendible have perished... So be it! Now I shall succeed where Sargeras could not! I will bleed this wretched world and secure my place as the true master of the Burning Legion. The end has come! Let the unraveling of this world commence!" (Source: WoWwiki, Kil'jaeden (tactics))

I assume that your evilness will not allow this to go unpunished. That said, onto my question. Since it seems you are now out both a right and left hand demon (Poor, poor stupid Archimonde), I thought I might apply for the position. I've brushed on my evil and soul reaping, I'm master at killing, and I come up with some pretty good plans about destruction and killing. Like 'Party Hat Tuesday', we would all wear goofy hats while plundering and destroying planets and it's unworthy inhabitants. Food for thought.

-Your future world ending assistant

Yeah, Killy and I had a little chat about that incident afterward (I read WoWWiki too, so this particular comment was especially dumb on his part.) His punishment was...not pleasant. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say it involved a stick of butter, two pounds of sand, a live antelope, and a whole lot of string.

However, there's still an opening for my left hand, so you're free to apply for that if you wish. Killy will be delighted, actually. Up till now I've had to use my right hand for everything, but you know, really I prefer my left hand for bum-scratching.

Sarge -

I was perusing through some old questions pathetic mortals had asked you, and a few questions occurred to me.

1. Is the planetary-destruction field competitive? I was recieving mixed signals, since you helped out an up-and-coming destroyer but ate a planet-eating-planet.

2. Are you hiring? Many people have asked for jobs, but I was unsure as to how to send in my resume. In case this works, here goes:

Terralock, Formerly of the Lich King's Army.

Many years experience in destruction, and a great group member. Works well with people until he destroys them. - Arthas
Great team player - Darion Morgraine
Hero of the alliance - King Chin

I have also inflicted only minimalistic damage on your legion, but wanton destruction seems to be a plus.
So, the dental sucks, but is there a medical included?

Terralock, Muradin.


RE: Question 1, it's not competitive except in the most basic sense, namely, that no matter how much stuff you destroy I'm still contractually obligated to obliterate you - nothing personal. Otherwise, you know how people are - they'd be claiming to be destroyers just to get an annihilation exemption. There's no decency left in the world(s)!

RE: Question 2, there does seem to be some competition for the Left Hand title (see above), but don't let that deter you. How are you at bum-scratching? We can arrange a little competition if need be. As for medical, of course it's included. I mean, come on. Would I lie?

Hey man. I havent written in a while, and I just want you to know that I actually took your advice and got the treatment for my... Problem...

"Seek help."

Well, I did. And now I see the error of my ways. Now I'm a top executive of a major American bank( Initials: A.I.G.), and I need to ask you something: Do you want some bailout money? I guilted the government into giving me millions of dollars that I didnt need and now I've got an even bigger Golden Parachute! Well, since I have all of this extra money that I dont need (i want it, but dont need it.), and I think you should get it. Please, tell me if you need it.

Sir Albert O. Zare (Alozare :D)

P.S. You missed my birthday party. I spent it alone. In rehab. Thanks. Know what? Now you don't get any bailout.
P.P.S. Ok, you can have some.
P.P.S.S. Ai reelapzed.
P.P.P.S. Brink moar droogs
P.P.P.S.S. (PIHIOWFGE*FWQE@Yh3ogh497q3t49y0)_&@)!
P.Q.S. Kthxbai.
P.Q.Q.S.R.E.W.W.o.W. Plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plod
NOT sent from my iPod

You know, this actually explains a lot...

Esteemed dark lord,

Please smite me if this has already been asked, but I am very curious about something: how long does it usually take you to annihilate a world?

I ask because on some occasions you seem to destroy planets with incredible speed, obliterating them with a mere wave of your hand or a misplaced sneeze.

But then we have Azeroth. I mean no offense by these words, but hasn't it stood against you for better than 20,000 years? Is that... normal?

I've tried to think of why Azeroth might be harder to smite than your average planet, but my imagination fails me. All Azeroth seems to have fighting you and your vast legions is humans and some elves. As for humans, I am one, and can tell you that *opposing* evil is not one of our strong points.

As for the elves, well, sometimes it seems to us like they're actively abetting you in your attempts to destroy the world. Hopefully, that is.

So what's with the delay? We're getting antsy down here.

Your faithful, delirious servant,


Excellent question. And actually, asking how long it takes to destroy a world is like asking how much Oprah all depends on the situation. The key element is how important the planet is to the plotline. If it's completely unimportant (or, better still, non-canon) then any ol' nasal expulsion will do. But if you take a case like Azeroth, well, shoot, there you've got more story entanglements than you can shake a red herring at.

This is nothing to be particularly surprised about...happens all the time. It's called the Red-Shirt Principle. Kirk, who believe-you-me has no special skills to speak of, survives every mission while the people who are actually trained in security get crunched. How long do you think ol' JT would last if he weren't The Protagonist?

And they say villains don't fight fair. Hah!

Got a question? Sargeras knows the answer! Send it in and enjoy a warm fuzzy feeling all day long.



Anthony Clarke said...


Also, those pesky nasal invaders.

New question: If you were in the middle of smashing a planet into little biddy bits, and someone else came in and destroyed it, would it be courtesy, offense, or irrelevant, since they were next anyway?

Anthony Clarke said...

Also, where is the "follow" button?

Anonymous said...

Enquiring minds want to know:

do you go about destroying planets in a logical manner (ie, in order of their appearance in a galaxy) or is it more of a random approach (this little SOB's are resisting me, they go next)?

Sargeras said...

@ AC: If someone did that, they would certainly be next in line. I'll leave it to you to decide if that's a good thing. ;-)
As to the question about following, I'm really not sure. I removed the follower widget a while back because I thought it clashed with the new look, but it seems my new template has also removed the Follow link up top. Anyone have any ideas?
Of course, you can always use the RSS feed.

@ ceestar: All depends how I'm feeling that day. ;-)

Anthony Clarke said...

I'm no coder (codist?), but I was looking through the HTML for my blog and I think (emphasis on think) there was a line that said: and_hide_follow or somesuch command. I dunno if you feel like looking through the whole thing, but, at least with my blog, it was in there.

Alozare :D said...

it DOES explain alot, doesnt it?

Sargeras said...

@ AC: Thanks, I'll check it out.

@ Alozare: I...I guess?

Anthony Clarke said...

yeah. I'm not sure what it involved exactly, I just know hide_follow was in there in some form... I think. >.<

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