Monday, May 11, 2009

He's already pulled over! He can't pull over any further!!

My mission is to destroy everything. As simple as it gets, right?

Well, surprisingly, no. Here's the problem. How do you know when something is actually destroyed? For instance, say you blow up a planet. All that's left is bits of rock. But bits of rock are "things" too, aren't they? Take it a few steps further and you're chipping away at individual protons and neutrons. And if we get really technical, isn't the vacuum a "thing?"

What's an annihilator to do?

Like any other profession, we need standards to tell us when our job is complete. There are no absolute rules, but you get the hang of it after a while. Basically, you need to be able to look at something and decide whether it's sufficiently wretched to count as "destroyed" without any further action on your part.

Let's see some examples.

Pristine: The Lord of the Rings
Damaged: The Sword of Shannara
Destroyed: Eragon

Healthy: Super Nintendo
Ailing: Gamecube
Done: Virtual Boy

Sweet: The Next Generation
Hmmm: Voyager
What: Enterprise

Excellent: Steak
Questionable: Pot Roast
Epic Fail: Liver

Groovy: The 70s
Iffy: The 30s
Not even trying: The 80s

Outstanding: Strawberries
Passable: Radishes
Qualifies for federal disaster relief funds: Artichokes

Rockin': Paul McCartney
Solid: George Harrison
Help! I need somebody: Yoko Ono

Nice: Pythagorean Theorem
OK: Quadratic Formula
Rubbish: Cubic Formula

Sweetness: Batman
All right: Batman Returns
Well then: Batman Forever
Suicide-inducing: Batman and Robin
Oh wow please just stop: Catwoman

W00t: Square Enix
Meh: EA Games
Pwned: Blizzard

...okay, I only did that last one to increase my LOBSMAARP rating a bit.

LOBSMAARP: 41%

23 comments:

Anthony Clarke said...

Hey sarge. I love it, except one thing. The eighties gave birth to aerosmith. You cannnot deny their awesomeness. For your convenience, here is one of their best songs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=705LEH3j2g0

Also, when are we going to see another ask sargeras post?

Typhoonandrew said...

Perhaps annihilation is in the eye of the beholder?
That which suffers presents the greatest prize, that which disappears without acknowledgement presents wasted energy.

bigfootgolem said...

Social: Facebook/Myspace
Er, ok: Titter
You need some counseling: Watching the person do any of the activities above, while reading it on your mobile.

Sargeras said...

@ AC: I post another one whenever there's enough material. I'm planning one for Wednesday.

@ TA: I don't *want* people to suffer, of course. But I can't seem to stop it...

@ bfg: "Titter" Best typo of the day. ;-)

Warraven said...

Wait wait wait. You mean there is something WORSE than Batman and Robin!? You know, I'm just going to go throw my shaman ass off a cliff and leave the ankhs at home this time.

Eyra said...

Lord of the Rings is, infact, pristine. :D BUT HOW CAN YOU LIKE THE BANE OF MY EXISTANCE "Pythagorean Theorem" AHH. That nearly murdered me when I read that *cries*
Sargie, Sargie, Sargie..you did this to me? That nearly destroyed my brain in math class.
I still love you, but this is..hard. To overcome that.

Jeremiah said...

AWESOME POST MR. sARGERAS.

Red said...

an·ni·hi·late Listen to the pronunciation of annihilate
Pronunciation:
\ə-ˈnī-ə-ˌlāt\
Etymology:
Late Latin annihilatus, past participle of annihilare to reduce to nothing, from Latin ad- + nihil nothing — more at nil
Date:
1525

transitive verb1 a: to cause to be of no effect : nullify b: to destroy the substance or force of
2: to regard as of no consequence
3: to cause to cease to exist ; especially : kill
4 a: to destroy a considerable part of -bombs annihilated the city- b: to vanquish completely : rout -annihilated the visitors 56–0-
5: to cause (a particle and its antiparticle) to vanish by annihilating; to vanish or cease to exist by coming together and changing into other forms of energy (as photons)

All of these point to you simply needing to change the form of what you are seeking to annihilate in such a fashion that it can no longer function the way it previously did. Therefore you can leave those little rocks floating in space, you have altered the structure of what it was to the point it can't return to that. That would be efficient. In fact, you could simply blow the living skin off the planet along with all organic material, leave a nice shiny sphere of stone, and move along. We would get the point and remain in mortal terror.

Just for the pure mind-freak factor, though, you could go to Buddhist route, lean in towards someone and say "I don't have to do a thing... you already don't exist in this moment." The sheer panic and confusion resulting from that one statement would go quite a ways to tear everything apart ~for~ you, and give you a good head start without having to raise a finger. Once again, efficiency.
That's also a good one to use on drunken people at parties if you're bored, just as an fyi.

Sargeras said...

@ Warraven: And Catwoman would be even worse for you, since you wouldn't have even the solace of Halle Berry's hotness.

@ Eyra: It's not as bad as the Cubic Formula! But I was a calculus tutor for two years, so you'll forgive me if I don't have the same horror of geometry as you do. :-)

@ Red: And how do you suggest I change the form of a nebula so that it "can no longer function the way it previously did"? ;-)

Anonymous said...

Sargeras you were a calculus tutor for two years? How did you have the patience?

Alozare :D said...

Ok, i have to address a few things in here that i cannot accept.

1. Eragon: think about it. an evil emperor, a young boy living with his uncle in the middle of nowhere, an old man who turns out to know how to do the one thing that the boy can do too. sound familiar? its Star Wars. Not LotR.

2.Veal > Steak

3. The 30s sucked (in America, and most of the world). i think youre thinkin of the 20s. Jazz, flappers and all kinds of shit that changed other shit (i.e: The Great Gatsby; F. Scott Fitzgerald(1925)

4.The Beatles are the bane of my musical existance, except for country music, rap and "house"/electronic music. Led Zeppelin, man. cmon.

5.Cubic Formula? bah! Finding the volume of a solid, whose base is the area, R, represented in between the functions f(x) and g(x), and whose cross sections can be represented as an isosceles triangle which has a hypotenuse in the area R which is perpendicular to the y-axis. If your brain isnt hurting, it should be.

6. Bungie > Square Enix. I appreciate Blizzard's hard work on WoW and its a great game but they seriously need to get off of pallies' nuts right now. they get everything. it aint cool.

7. Me > You

Hollybrynn said...

Sweet: The Next Generation
Hmmm: Voyager
What: Enterprise


Enterprise > Voyager (Capt. Janeway? puh-lease!!)

Anthony Clarke said...

@ alozare

The beatles rock my socks.

And everyone elses, too.

Sargeras said...

@ Anon: I'm full of surprises, huh?

@ Alozare:
1. Eragon steals from both LotR and Star Wars pretty heavily, but the genre is fantasy.
2. meh
3. Nope, I'm thinking of the 30s. Understatement is a form of irony and often contributes to a device known as "humor." Look carefully, and you may be able to spot other instances of it on this blog!
4. Sadly, this invalidates any opinion you may ever have again. Not that the Led isn't sweet as well.
5. Isosceles triangles don't have a hypotenuse, so that one might be tough. :-)
6. Halo's cool and all, but Kefka could kick Master Chief's ass.
7. See #4. ;-)

@ Hollybrynn: Yeah, I know, she's almost as bad as Archer :-P

@ AC: Now here is a man with some taste. :-D

deviousint said...

Epic Win: The new Star Treck Movie
Sweet: The Next Generation
Hmmm: Voyager
What: Enterprise

Also, what is the derivative of infinity?

Otome said...

"Halo's cool and all, but Kefka could kick Master Chief's ass"

Lord Sargeras you have just won. It made my day to see someone as great as you put Kefka above that sissy Sephiroth.

Is it true Kefka took lessons from you in how to annihilate, hence why he's the only FF villain to succeed?

Sargeras said...

@ deviousint: I actually haven't seen it yet but it looks amazing. Oh and the derivative of infinity is...your mom. :-O

@ Otome: I can neither confirm nor deny. ;-)

Red said...

Sargeras... Set the damn thing on fire. Remember, we're going for conservation of energy here!

Austin Holian VI said...

very nice beatles refernce

Austin Holian VI said...

@hollybyrn
alright!
original star trek!

Austin Holian VI said...

@alozare
really
your BANE???
you must be an idiot. they were pioneers of music, and world issues. plus they were pretty kick ass, and dude, robert plant is DOING A COUNTRY ALBUM!!!!! open your eyes, no band has ever remained as popular for so long as the beatles. plus they had killer solo careers. unlike led zep.
SO SUCK THAT

Anonymous said...

When you state that Eragon is destroyed do you mean the book or the movie?

Sargeras said...

@ Anon: Yes.

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