Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Sargeras vs. Airplane

Flying is pretty much the worst. Here is my process:

1. I call the airline the day before to warn them, so that people will not freak out when I arrive.

2. I spend two hours trying to fit everything I will need into a bag the size of my eyelash-tip. I finally give up and just pay the eight billion dollars to have it FedExed.

3. I arrive. People freak out.

4. The airlines all have names like that involve things I like to burn, like Continental and AirWorld. I am pretty sure they do this just to make me angry.

5. Like, 92% sure.

6. I cannot hold my boarding pass because my hands are on fire. I have to have a demon carry it for me. His seat costs extra.

7. I go through the metal detector forty-four times. I repeatedly explain that I am made out of metal and cannot possibly avoid being "detected."

8. My helper demon spends twenty minutes flipping through issues of People at the airport book store. I can't smite him because he's holding my boarding pass.

9. I wait. People stare at me and look away when I look at them. The teenage girl next to me has her headphones on. She is listening to Pink.

10. The plane is smaller than I am.

11. I board the plane. The man next to me says his name is Gilbert. I do not know if it is his first or last name but he smells of raccoon.

12. The in-flight movie is that Wolverine origin one. I keep a running tally of things that are ridiculous. When they graft adamantium to his skeleton by injecting it as a liquid, I count that as two things.

13. The stewardess asks if I would like some pretzels. I say no but they bring them anyway. I am unable to open the bag. I give the pretzels to my helper demon.

14. We land. I smite my helper demon.

15. It is so bad.

LOBSMAARP: 8% (hey, I'm doing good this week!)

20 comments:

Anconia said...

Can't you fly yourself around?.. like.. with magic or nefarious other schemes, Dark Titan?

Daeliria said...

Where were you flying, O Mighty One?

Dorn said...

I hope you fly first class...can't imagine the type of legroom issues you would have in coach.

ceestar42 said...

You're the dark titan and you can't teleport yourself around? You've been cheated!

MomentEye said...

I wish you'd told me that before I injected myself with adamantium.

Also wouldn't an AirWorld just be a blob of gas floating in space?

PDSM

Aenorn said...

Haha, this absolutely made my day. Keep it up Sargeras, I hope I don't end up as one of your demon helpers ^^

Sargeras said...

@ Anconia & ceestar: Teleportation just makes me so nauseous...

@ Daeliria: Chicago. It was for a thing.

@ Dorn: You can't imagine the legroom issues I have at the airport. ;-)

@ MomentEye: It would be after I get through with it!

@ Aenorn: As long as you're careful never to be a demon, you should be safe.

Arthas said...

Well I've had roughly the same problem (except for freezing things)... hence the tireless search for a permanent mount.

bigfootgolem said...

I mean the demon probably deserved it, but c'mon, he didn't run off with your ticket, leaving you unable to board the plane.

Also, don't you go around without any chest armour/clothing? What would people have thought when you were walking around with a demon who, we already had cleared up earlier, wears skimpy armour as well? Maybe that's why you were getting the stares...

Maybe you should try to find some sort of flying demon capable of transporting you around if you disliked the airports so much. Just a suggestion, dark lord.

Red said...

Please stay away from ANA the last two weeks of May. Please. Pleasepleasepleasepleeeez.
This just reminded me of how much more of a sheer hell it is for us mere mortals. :'(

Otome said...

Did you smite the airline after reaching your destination?

Inka said...

This was the funniest post I've read here in a while. Actually since...the original leaked chat log. Though Peeps get a special mention :). Perhaps you should invest in a private jet. I believe that would solve at least half the problems on your list. It seems that with your profession you would do a fair amount of travel, and being the most powerful being in the universe I don't think a private jet would be an unreasonable expense.

Eyra said...

Might I ask where you were flying, Sargie? Someone of your status should have their own private jetline. Burning Legion Express. That'd solve the issues of having to FedEx things as well :)
Why didn't you smite the teenager for listening to Pink?

Maelgard said...

It could have been worse. She could have been listening to Linkin Park.

Actually, Sargeras, what are some of your favorite bands/songs? I'm sure it must be very quiet in the Nether without some tunes going.

ladyharken1 said...

Good gods I know how you feel about the metal detector thing.

'Course, I ended up slicing them all to ribbons after the third time through. You must have a hell of a lot of patience.

Sargeras said...

@ Otome: I wanted to but they had a strict "No Smiting Or Soliciting" policy. :-(

@ Inka & Eyra: A private jet? Did you see what happened to Ford, GM and Chrysler when their CEOs took private jets to Washington?? PR nightmare!

@ Maelgard:
All you need is love,
All you need is love,
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need.
;-)

@ladyharken1: When you're immortal, patience is pretty much a necessity...doesn't mean I like it though!

tom said...

This post made my day, sarge. And why don't you just smite the reporters? No reporters, no report, no PR nightmare. >:D

Sargeras said...

Smiting reporters is bad PR too. ;-)

Anonymous said...

sweet... so you can fly ;-)

Skinjhob prime said...

dude, seriously... you make me laugh all the time^^

your follower

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