Monday, May 18, 2009

Sargeras's Guide to Romance

When I told my web dude I wanted to do this article, he said, "But you don't know anything about romance!" Well, I've got news for you, web dude. I do know about romance, because I looked it up on Wikipedia. So here we go.

The first step with any potential romantic partner is to determine their gender. This has become more difficult in recent years as so many women are wearing pants, and men sometimes grow their hair long. Nevertheless I do not recommend asking what gender someone is, nor do I suggest the so-called "Direct Identification" method. Instead, be subtle. Ask questions like, "If you were heterosexual, what gender would attract you?" and "Do you think it's biologically possible that you will ever have a baby?" If all else fails, just inquire whether they've ever heard of the color "mauve."

Note that on rare occasions, WoW players play a character of the opposite gender as themselves. Do not be shocked by this. Note also that if you meet someone in a chatroom, the gender identification process is simplified considerably: they are male.

Once you've verified that the object of your affections is the appropriate gender, you are on to the second step: laying on the charm.

Impress your future conquest with displays of awesomeness. Breaking tree trunks with your hands, setting fire to your retinas, and replacing your shins with titanium rods all work well. As a general rule, someone's attraction to you at a given moment is an upward-sloping linear function of your decibel level. If you are too wimpy for these displays, rent a bulldozer for the evening. If you are too poor for that, consider a rewarding life as a monk.

Now that you've got your sweetie interested, ask him/her out on a date. If that sounds nerve-wracking, you can warm up ahead of time by breaking tree trunks with your hands (truly a multifaceted skill). Once you're ready, just be cool about it. It's best to be simple and straightforward, e.g. "I desire for you to engage in social entanglements with me." At this point, wide-eyed gaping indicates awe and is a sure sign of interest on their part.

During the date, do not under any circumstances "be yourself." If the real you was what others actually wanted, people would be throwing themselves at your feet every time you stepped outside. Instead, try to figure out what your partner's perfect mate would be like, and act as much like that as possible. In most cases this will require plastic surgery. Don't worry about the cost; even if this date falls through, most people's desires are about the same. It's an investment!

At the end of the evening, it's time for the kiss. Many people wonder what makes a successful kiss. The answer is, the lips should touch, and a small amount of pressure should be applied. Now you know!

Really, I don't see what's so hard about all this.


Dazer said...

Not relevant, but hilarious:

More relevant:
Did all of these gems of information and tips come from your relationship with Eonar, or whatever he name was?

Ariedan said...

"In most cases this will require plastic surgery. Don't worry about the cost; even if this date falls through, most people's desires are about the same. It's an investment!"
I'm voting this for best post (besides the chat logs, of course).

Soeroah said...

O Lord, thank you for this guide of Woo-ing-ness!

Molinu said...

I'm not sure if this is genuine advice, or an indirect attempt at destroying our world.

Sargeras said...

@ Dazer: Most of it, yeah. And she broke up with me! Can you believe it?!

@ Ariedan: XD

@ Soeroah: I do it because I care.

Anonymous said...

Dear Lord of Darkness

While it may be wikipedia, I'm not so sure counts for good advice. Example:

Humble person-on-a-planet-to-be-destroyed

TheDesktopNinja said...

No LOBSMAARP? Wow. I would've figured this to be up there.

Nyaz said...

OOOOOHHH! It's so obvious now! Thank you oh Awesome Lord of Darkness!

Alozare :D said...

If you want a TRULY helpful online encyclopedia, try Uncyclopedia. Its the anti-encyclopedia, which anyone can edit. its amazingly lenient. Also, you seem to enjoy breakin tree-trunks with your hands. i prefer breaking ex-titans with my bootstraps. Thats why they call me "Bootstraps McGee!" well, they dont, but i want them to. make a note of it. kthxbai

Sargeras said...

@ bfg: Yeah I remember discovering that through XKCD too. Such a useful comic!

@ DesktopNinja: Well, I didn't mention Blizzard so I might be relatively safe this time...

@ Nyaz: Let me know how it works out for you. ;-)

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