Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Ask Sargeras! In which celebrity-bashing is bashed.

What's up peeps. For those of you who are new to this whole Ask Sargeras thing, basically, people send me letters and then I respond to those letters. It's a very new and original concept and I'm pretty sure I'm the first one ever to think of it! RIGHT THEN.

Dark Lord of Poetry, Destruction, and Mt. McKinley-sized proportions, and his humble webservant:

In an extremely inspiring article, you (with xkcd's assistance) noted how video games can be a bad thing.

Now, do you dislike them in general or only the addiction they cause in some cases, and the lack of experiences gained from them?
If you do like them, what games?

Also,

Do you ever get invites to titan reunions? Do you even show? If you do, do you just sit in a corner, brooding, or do you stride through the room, owning everyone by virtue of your sheer presence?

-AC

Excellent question!

You are no doubt referring to this post. It's worth a read if you haven't already, but here's the gist: life is just too fucking short to waste your time on pointless stuff. I mention World of Warcraft specifically in that post, not because the game is inherently or necessarily pointless, but because it seems to (at times) encourage joyless or repetitious play.

Friends and neighbors, I am here to tell you today that if you're spending hours of your time playing a video game that you do not enjoy, there is something seriously messed up with your life.

Having said that, I am certainly not against video games so long as they make you happy, because we could all use a little more happiness in our lives. Here are some of my all-time favorites, all of which I've played from start to finish, in no particular order:

Braid
Super Smash Bros. (and its sequel, Melee)
Tumiki Fighters
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (as well as Majora's Mask, Wind Waker, and Twilight Princess)
Red Alert 2
Super Mario 64
Mario Kart 64
Rocket: Robot on Wheels
Super Mario RPG
Earthbound
Chrono Trigger
Lots and lots of others

I have mixed feelings about the Final Fantasy series; they have some really cool characters and plotlines (especially VI - Kefka's where it's at, yo) but the constant random battling gets a little ridiculous after a while. I also have no interest whatsoever in the Halo games, mainly because I find them so boring.

To be honest though, I hardly play video games at all anymore - not that they've gotten any less fun, I just have so little time for them, what with my bloggin' and planet-bustin' and all!

So, to summarize. Video games are cool. Mindless aggravating repetition, not so much!

As to your other question of whether I go to titan reunions: they've stopped sending me invitations! Do you believe that shit?!

P.S. The original Final Fantasy sucked, and not just a little bit, but with a level of suckage that can only be described as Oreckian. Yeah, that's right, Brian Clevinger, what are you going to do about it?


Dear Sargeras
You must be the perfect person to answer this question.
Whats the best way to get rid of blood stains?
I captured some Male Bloodsail Pirates and Sacrificed them on a stone alter in the full moon light,
Now my nice white robes are covered on sailor blood!

"Out dam spot, out I say,"

Whats the best way to remove it?
Sea Man Stains seem to be allmost impossible to completley get rid of!

Your loyal Warlock
Impish (EU Sporegar server).

If you'd read Scourge Chat Log #2, you'd know the answer to that already. On the other hand, you've got a quote from Shakespeare and a dirty pun, both of which I'm incredibly partial to, so I suppose I'll let you live.

So one time two whales were swimming along when one whale says to the other, "That's the whaling ship that killed my pa! Quick, let's get under it and shoot water from our blowholes to sink it!" The other whale agrees and they sink the ship. Lots of sailors swim out of the wreckage, and the first whale says, "Now help me gobble them up!" The second whale looks at him and says:

"Look, I went along with the blow job, but I'm not swallowing the seamen!"

If you like that sort of classy high-brow humor then you might enjoy reading this.


Please inform me what "Xar il romath da tidesbi" means. Forward Commander To'arch told me that it was insulting enough that anyone in the Burning Legion would kill me instantly for saying it, but how exactly does it translate? Also if there is a more polite way of insuring my instant death and lack of torture or the enslavement of my soul I would be happy to learn that. However I am doubtful that anything polite will avoid torture or soul dismemberment. Do you go in for soul dismemberment or is that just Kil'Jaeden?

Teltanara - Hyjal

If you want to avoid suffering, just make sure you check the "No Suffering" box on the form they give you. It's a small box and easy to overlook, which unfortunately has led to many misunderstandings...I've tried to get it changed, but you know how bureaucracy is. Slow as ice! Which is ironic, really.

Anyway. "Xar il romath da tidesbi." It is the ultimate insult against Sargeras...and you want a translation. Well, I suppose. But you should know - this is an insult so awful, so hideous, so demeaning, that even thinking it may cause you to shudder.

Are you ready?

"Sargeras leaves comments on Perez Hilton's blog."

I KNOW RIGHT


Dear Sargeras, lord of haikus,

I once heard that taking on the entire burning legion at once would be a lot better than just taking you on. If this is true, and you are more powerful than the legion, why do you need it? Is it just that lackeys are part of the evil lord contract? Or you just need a break so you send your servants to do it for you? Also, could you compare the Lich King, Kil’Jaedan, Aman’Thul and you in terms of power? Like greatest to least or something.

P.S. What T.V. shows do you watch? (if any) just curious.

-Kaelmic, Sentinels US

Yeah, my lackeys are pretty useless, aren't they? The thing that you have to understand about lackeys is that they aren't there to actually accomplish anything; heroes inevitably defeat them in the early stages of their quest, leading to the grand entrance of the primary villain. No, lackeys are a status symbol, like a Mercedes, or an epic mount, or this. Of course you don't need them - that's the point. I've got more lackeys than Voldemort has neurons, and he'd damned well better remember it, too.

To your second question: comparing those three to me is like comparing three campfires to the sun. Yeah, one might be a tad brighter than its neighbor, but does it really matter? IT'S THE SUN

TV, eh, don't generally have time for it; but when I do indulge, my favorites are The Daily Show, The Office, Seinfeld, and Star Trek: The Next Generation. (Are you listening, Jon Stewart? I smell interview!)


Dear mighty titan,

You like coffee as we all know, but theres a question coming up:
Do you like Starbucks?
And if you do: Which Starbucks coffee is your favourite taste?
And: Would you destroy all these wonderfull coffeeplaces together with the rest of our small planet or would you leave lets say a small piece of earth with a starbucks bar on it?

Nicorobbin - Nathrezim/EU

I'm not real big on Starbuck's. Something about those nice, neat, orderly stores just makes me want to BURN EXPLODE DESTROY ALL VENTI ESPRESSO BURNINATION ETC. and also I don't know whose idea it was to offer coffee in 20 oz. increments because really, I don't feel like waiting for them to make six hundred twenty-four thousand of them. On the other hand, the coffee's not bad if you add the right spice to it, and fortunately the dudes in there with their laptops have nice fresh souls, young and juicy and tender. (Manual labor ruins the flavor, don't you know.)

But as for letting a Starbuck's survive, I can only say...welcome to the blog, your naivete is charming. You'll learn better in time. ;-)

That's all the letters for this week! Keep 'em coming! I know there's something you'd like to ask the Fountainhead of Fury, so send that properly punctuated, grammatically correct missive to cwsargeras@gmail.com!

LOBSMAARP: 72% (for mentioning Perez Hilton in the same sentence as a Blizzard character)

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

lols, 'seamen'
also - Perez Hilton - isn't he special?

Otome said...

Great lord of all that is Armageddon, I had to stand and applaud your answers today.

Your choice of gaming is impeccable, as are the shows you watch when you have time in your obviously busy schedule.

As for the Starbucks thing, how does this make you feel?
http://www.johnnyjet.com/images/picforwebsiteVANCOUVERAUG302002twoStarbucks.JPG

Yes, those are two Starbucks shops across the street from one another.

Sargeras said...

@ Otome: It makes me want...TO SMASH.

But then, that's how I feel about most things!

Warraven said...

The Worst Story Ever, eh? Is it... the worst? The worst? The worst?

...I can count the number of people who will get that joke on one hand.

Sargeras said...

And the number who will actually read this blog, even smaller.

Tenuras said...

Super Smash Bros., Melee and Brawl.

World of Warcraft is nothing against a hilarious battle with friends where Pikachu owns Solid Snake with his ( in my eyes) imbalanced Thunder^^
It makes just so much fun, I understand you very well my Dear Lord of Endless Sorrow and Destruction :D

Gratz from good old Germany, hope you come and visit us someday^^

Anonymous said...

Omfg the worst story ever... BRILLIANT... there is only one thing I can say: FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!!

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