Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Ask Sargeras! In which impractical solutions are proposed.

This week's mailbag is like that part in The Two Towers where Merry and Pippin enlist the help of the Ents in their fight against Saruman: there are some little ones and some great big ones, but they're all being watched by an evil and magical entity whose first three letters are "Sar."

Look, I'm not that good at analogies. What I'm trying to say is that we have three really long e-mails and three really short e-mails, and I'm trying to find some way to make that seem funny, and...

Can we just do this?

Great Ravager of Worlds, I beseech thee, please answer my questions.

1. Why hasn't the Pantheon cracked down on you yet? I mean sure, you were the strongest among them, but why hasn't your bro Aman'Thul tried to smack some sense into you? Or has he?

2. If you were present at the time, can you describe how the Kil'jaeden boss fight in Sunwell Plateau looked like from your end of the portal?

3. What kind of benefits package does the average demon get in the Burning Legion?

4. What's with all you demons/fallen titans/corrupted heroes growing to immense proportions while destroying stuff? Seems like a waste of energy to me. Is it for the terror factor?

5. Any openings for a human warrior looking to do some smiting on some traitorous ex-guildies? (Traitors that left the guild, not people in the guild).

Thank you in advance, my liege.

Taium, Dalvengyr-US

P.S. If you have no openings, could I perhaps borrow that sweet sword of yours for an hour. Should be plenty of time.

Six questions in one?! Just what are we trying to pull here? Would it really be fair to all the other patient readers who e-mailed me if I answer all six of your questions when they only get one?

Do I seem like an unfair person to you?

Oh. Right.

Well, let's see if I can answer all six of your questions at once, in order, one line at a time, using the magic of poetry:

The Pantheon's a bunch of sissy wimps,
He should've swatted that blue buzzing fly,
Free dental and a pair of curvy nymphs,
I'd guess that Shock and Awe's the reason why;
Although I'm all in favor of some smitin',
You'll never wield the weapon of a titan.

Bam! Still got it!

Hey there, Big Old Dude...

(I'm a warlock, I can get away with sass. It's in the contract.)

In all the movies where a planet is being destroyed by some force, either internal, external or... well, I guess those would be the only two ways, huh? ... every destruction is different in some way. Some look more believable than others. I personally like the ones where the planet explodes outwards in every direction, as opposed to the ones where they seem to explode outwards like the rings on Saturn. Makes no sense unless someone planted shaped charges into the core... which would be hard to do for SOME people (bet you could though, but getting TO the core may just destroy the planet anyway, so why bother, huh? Unless it's for the challenge...) so why is it exploding in that manner?

Or as with the newest Star Trek movie, planting a black hole into the center of a planet makes it melt inwards from the insertion point (what?) as opposed to the entire planet equally melting inwards around the black hole, which unless my understanding of black holes is completely wrong, doesn't have a pull from one individual direction, but from all directions equally. Shouldn't it have imploded? The areas nearest to the black hole going first, in all directions, and expanding outwards?

So I guess my question is... what really happens when a planet is destroyed by some internal or external force? And is there a difference in how it looks, depending on what exactly is destroying it?

And... screenshot or it didn't happen.

Love and (air) kisses,

Kikidas from Alleria

BTW: Ruptik the Imp wants to know when he's allowed back in after that whole shaving cream and strawberries incident?

I've previously mentioned this article, which clears up all that troublesome business about black holes in planetary cores rather nicely. To your larger question, though, the dynamics of planetary destruction are exquisitely complex. I've been doing this job for more than 30 gajillion years now, and even I have yet to fully master their subtleties.

I don't have time to explain it all, but I will say this. Planetary explosions all look pretty much the same, but they don't all have to sound the same.

Try blowing up a world with the Benny Hill theme playing in the background sometime. Trust me. It really does make just about everything better.

To his most illustrious Grand High Destructomath, Wearer of the Beard of a Thousand Flames, Sovereign of the Endless Void.

I am a Dreadlord working in your legion's middle-management group, and I have a question for you that I do hope will not be too impertinent.

To whit: What in the name of You is up with the Eredar? I don't mean to be questioning your Dark Magnificence, but seriously, why did you ever promote those poncy bastards over your loyal Nathrezim? They're all supertastically magical, I get that. But they were *also* all mortals once, and as such they're bound to be screw ups. Since you've been away, we've been doing our best to keep your Legions in fighting shape and ready for your return. We've even found the time to get some real quality corrupting done on Azeroth. But while we've been working our tails off, your Eredar rank and file are all too busy posturing, hitting on the succubi, and snorting lines of mana to pay any attention to the cause.

Then there's your Grand High Poobahs, Archimonde and Kil'jaedan. They may be something on the order of 100 feet tall, but that's *tiny* compared to the issues they drag around. Like Archimonde. He might be dead now, thank evil, but I assure you that when he was still alive he was making a royal mess of things. He'd always go missing from staff meetings and we'd get sent out looking for him. We'd search for days and then invariably find him passed out in a nebula somewhere coming down off a 3 week magic bender. When he finally got himself summoned to Azeroth, he went RIGHT for the Well of Eternity and tried to eat the World Tree. Instead, he got blown up by wisps. Don't get me wrong, watching him explode was one of the finest moments in my long existence. But, by wisps? I ask you. At least Mal'Ganis had the integrity to be defeated (not killed, please note!) by the power of an extremely potent artifact weapon, like a proper demon.

And Kil'jaeden, man, he's a whole different piece of work. When he's not busy getting stuck halfway through portals and beaten on by adventuring parties, he's wasting the time he SHOULD be using to subvert new races into your fold by tarting himself up in drag and attending "Eredar Pride" meetings. That he makes us accompany him to in the name of "Multi-Dimensional Cultural Sensitivity Training." And at which he inevitably gets wasted, and then starts crying about some love-triangle mess he had with Archimonde and Velen back on Argus. Let me tell you, after about ten minutes of that I'm contemplating ripping off my own horns and stabbing them directly into my brain. But that's nothing compared to the end of the night, when we have to drag his soppy carcass back home while listening to him recite moody goth poetry about having his heart broken by Illidan "Too Emo For His Shirt" Stormrage.

Sorry, needed a moment to compose myself.

So, yes, the Eredar are a bunch of colossal sized screwups. On the other hand, we Nathrezim have, like yourself, always been immortals. We don't have all those pesky lusts and physical desires getting in the way of carrying out your will and destroying all life.

So why, why, why do we have to put up with them? They are, to use mortal terms, the Robin to our Batman. If Robin was slutty heroin addict, and Batman had literal (and very stylish) wings.

With all due trembling and awe,
Mefaustias, perplexed Dreadlord, Shadow Council (US)

All right. I want you to do something for me. I want you to take a breath.

Now how do we feel?


Take two Benadryl, get some rest, and call me in the morning.

P.S. If these "Robins" really upset you so much, take a page from Batman's book and tell them what's up!

Dear Sargeras,
You have been a valuable source of information regarding cooking recipes and interior decorating; but I have been left curious about your fashion tips. What does a titan with hair that is literally flamming metal wear in order to keep scorch marks from ruining his ensemble? Is it custom tailored or do they have a titan-sized Big and Tall in the nether?
-Trend Seeker

Two words: Nomex tuxedo.

Dear Sargeras, Annihilator of All Things Cute and T-Shaped:

What would you do if another one of the Titans split off and followed in your footsteps (possibly even literally). Would you focus on eliminating the competition, or welcome the new face in the world-incinerating field?

Sorry for the short question, I have a cowering appointment in ten minutes.

~Lowly Mortal #43,554,687,789

This is sort of like asking Skynet what it would do if one of the humans started going around killing other humans. I mean really, it's adorable and all, but - as an astute reader once pointed out - "EVERONE means we all get pwnt."

Speaking of which - was I the only one who thought Terminator: Salvation was just, like, a really shitty version of the Matrix trilogy? Kind of the same way Ctrl-Alt-Delete is a poor man's Penny Arcade, only Penny Arcade is free?

But I digress.

O Dark Titan,

I am looking for an extremely durable keyboard (I'm pretty clumsy). After reading your latest post, I had to wonder, what kind of keyboard has the durability to withstand the awesome might and flames of the Supreme Destroyer?

Carflipe, Aerie Peak US

You can't buy truly high-quality durable keyboards in stores, but making your own is easy and fun! Here's what you're going to want to do:

1. Get Captain America's shield and Wolverine's skeleton.
2. Melt them down and stir until thoroughly mixed.
3. Pour the mixture into an ice cube tray and allow 3-8 weeks to cool.
4. Repeat until you have enough keys for a full keyboard.
5. Paint the alphabet and/or syllabary of your choice on them. Why not give hiragana a try?
6. Superglue these keys over top of your regular keyboard.
7. Ta-da! Sargeras keys!

Hope nobody came to this blog today expecting it to be about World of Warcraft. HAHA!

Anyway. Want Sargeras to answer one of your questions too? Send me an e-mail and I'll make it happen!

Peace out.


Anonymous said...

Sargie, dear, you're being a bit too nice again.
Also, yay for Penny-Arcade. Don't get me wrong though, I read both PA and CAD comics.

Sargeras said...

Your FACE is being a bit too nice. >>}8^O

Soeroah said...

Dear Sargeras,

Today is my birthday! Could you perhaps do some cosmic re-ordering and make it piss down with rain in the rough area of South Australia? We had some nice hail for a few minutes, so I gather you moved past our sun for a second or so.

Anonymous said...

Okay the thing about the planet in the Star Trek movie is that they didn't get as deep into the core as they'd hoped before they dropped in the Red Matter, due to Kirk and Sulu sabotaging the drill with their awesomeness. So the black hole was slightly closer to the surface on one side of the planet, the side that was on screen, so that side of the planet got sucked into the black hole slightly before the rest of the planet.

Of course, debating the actual science of this sort of thing is ridiculous, as it's sort of impossible to drill a hole into the center of a planet no matter how scary your spaceship looks.

Also, I think there was something in X2 about how once adamantium has hardened, it can't be melted down again [not entirely sure how that works], so you'd need to find a source other than Wolverine's bones.

Warraven said...

Mefaustias... "Illidan "Too Emo For His Shirt" Stormrage"? Brilliant. I try to pretend that's not true most days though, and think back lovingly to how I could probably do the corpse run back to Black Temple asleep instead of his whiny obsession with Tyrande.

Nyaz said...

Oh Dark Lord-Who's-Pants-Are-Everburning (I presume they are, since you are literally on FIRE! Har-de-har), I believe you forgot to adress what it looked like from the other end with Kil'jaeden halfway stuck through that portal in your poem.

*Ducks and runs away*

Sargeras said...

@ Soeroah: Happy birthday! I'll see what I can do.

@ l0stmyrel1g10n: Are you saying that my plan to remove Wolverine's skeleton, melt it down, and form it into a computer keyboard...might not work?!?!

@ Warraven: Why is it always the crazy ones who can't keep their clothes on? Oh right, because they're crazy.

(How's my evil side? Am I getting better?)

Anonymous said...

Glad you go your fixed, bu now mine won work - help! I doesn really bo her me much, bu mos people can figure i ou...wha should I do? s upid ni wics

Anonymous said...

O Mighty Evil Lord of Flames and Destruction:

I could obtain neither Captain America's shield nor Wolverine's skeleton, sadly. Would a car hood and Hugh Laurie (since I couldn't get Hugh Jackman, either) do just as well?

If not, at least there will be no more House M.D.

Your ever-fearful, pointy eared fan,

Sargeras said...

@ Anon: What should you do? Write a book.

@ whattupzimbabwe: Hell, for you guys that aren't made of fire, I imagine papier mache would do the trick.

vivec said...

Even if I am being smashed for that, CAD > Penny Arcade :D

Anonymous said...


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