Wednesday, April 8, 2009

THE BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE MEATLOAF

I don't want to stereotype, but I suspect a certain percentage of my readers are - shall we say - less than skilled in the culinary arts. (In much the same way that murlocs are less than skilled at multivariable calculus.)

You know who you are - you're the ones for whom ramen constitutes a three-course meal, the ones who don't bother to heat up hot dogs before you eat them.

Let's fix that, shall we?

Here is a meal you can prepare yourself that will be delicious, that will be cheap and easy (no really I promise), that will constitute actual cooking, and - if played to its maximum potential - might get you some sexy times with the opposite gender.

Follow along with me. We'll do it together.

Step One. Go to your local food-selling establishment (a Kroger or Wal-Mart will do nicely). Purchase the following ingredients:
(Protip: You may own some of these ingredients already!)
Note that purchasing these ingredients will force you, regrettably, to go outside. Work up your courage and do this the best you can.

Step Two. Go into your kitchen. This is the place with the peanut butter and jelly!

Step Three. Put the beef into a mixing bowl and add one cup (235 mL) of salsa, 3/4 cup (175 mL) of oatmeal, and one egg. Be sure to crack the egg before adding it, and do not add any of the shell! Mix these ingredients thoroughly with your hands.

Step Four. Put some aluminum foil over a baking pan, then place the whole mass of stuff on the pan. Sculpt it into the same basic shape as a loaf of bread. Poke a hole in the middle with your finger - theoretically this helps it cook more evenly, but mainly it's just fun to do.

Step Five. Put it in the oven (note: not a microwave oven!) and heat at 350 degrees Fahrenheit (180 degrees Celsius) for one hour.

Step Six. Remove the pan from the oven (note: not with your bare hands!). Turn off the oven.

Step Seven. Eat your delicious meatloaf! To make it extra classy, you could put it on a plate first, and/or eat it with silverware. The hotter the salsa, the spicier the meatloaf! (Truly epic overachievers could prepare this with a salad on the side, but I don't want to overwhelm you on your first time.)

Too complicated, you say? Look. You raid Naxx, don't you? You can do this too. Just think of the experience points!

If you have questions or concerns about the steps I've outlined, post them in the comments and we'll figure it out. If you make this recipe successfully, let us know! And if this recipe leads to sexy times with the opposite gender, then congratulations! You don't need the Internet anymore!

35 comments:

Tinox said...

That's all well and good, but you forgot something.

It's a gray recipe, people. Doing it over and over again will not level your cooking.

Sargeras said...

A gray recipe?

You probably overcooked it. ;-)

Kittykins said...

Y'know I don't normally like meatloaf but this actually sounds quite good <3

You're my hero Sargie

Sargeras said...

I can promise from experience that it's a lot better than the soggy ketchup-saturated junk you get most places. Try it and let me know how it turns out!

But uh...*lowers voice* Listen, don't go spreading this "hero" stuff around, okay? I've got my reputation to think of!

Alkaliho said...

Uhm dude, Eonar just called and said that no amount of meatloaf ("WICH IS MADE OF DEAD COWS!!! DEEEAAAD COOOWS!!" she screamed) is going to make up for the still burning footsteps in her Farderlirn carpet ("made by a race WICH THAT BIG FAT FIERY LUMMOCKS BLEW UP!!!" she continued) the night she dumped you.
Sorry dude, but this sceme isn't going to do it for her. It might help some cheetos covered basement housed dude somewhere but no dice with the big ladies here :/

Cheers

Alkaliho

Anonymous said...

Call me a mere mortal but I am wondering how the whole cooking process works out when someone who is umm... burning... tries to mix the ingrediants with his hands.

Anonymous said...

Hola the dreaded overlord - I noticed that you mention cracking the egg into the meat mixture - now how is that possible when you are like...huge? You have to be making one of the ones you conquer do this for you!

I am also wondering how one can use this to get girls? I was under the impression that ladies like fancier fare when they deem to eat at all.

at your service...bb

Sargeras said...

@ Alkaliho: Thanks for trying anyway. Eonar was always too high-maintenance. Guys, here's a tip: any woman who goes around calling herself "The Lifebinder" is more trouble than she's worth.

@ Anonymous #1: Naturally, when I make this recipe, I skip the oven step. :-D

@ Anonymous #2: There aren't a lot of chickens in the Twisting Nether - I use Cosmic Eggs in my meatloaf, which gives it a bit of a tang. As for getting girls...well...I guess it all depends on the girl, doesn't it? ;-)

Jae said...

Sir, might I suggest (for the truly brave amongst your legions of followers) the attempt at a side dish of Baked Potato?

Anonymous said...

I made this at 1 O'clock in the morning because the craving for spicy arose after reading this and twas fantastic.

It was like the souls of the cows sacrificed were screaming (mooing?) in unison while some kind of celebration was going on in my mouth.

Will there be any more recipes from you, O great lord of destruction and culinary arts?

Sargeras said...

@ Jae: Indeed, the baked potato is a very classy side for the BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE MEATLOAF. I didn't want to overwhelm my readers with too much information at once, but clearly you are ahead of the game!

@ Anonymous: Delighted to hear it! I could conceivably post one or two more recipes in the future, but it won't become a regular thing. Somehow I imagine the video game villain cooking blog niche is rather small.

Anonymous said...

I'll try this one later... but I think I'll get a "failed attempt". My cooking skill is 1 :-(

Sargeras said...

But think of the glory if you succeed. :-D

tom said...

Great recipe. I have the urge to try it. Do you get offerings? And if so, can we offer a bit to you? (and by a bit, i mean the whole loaf with our souls mixed in, of course.)

tom said...

oh, and i would love a cooking with sargeras blog. Absolutely love it.

Devin said...

I'm confused.
What do I do with the other 11 eggs?

Great blog btw. :)

Caroline said...

Sargeras, what kind of toppings do you suggest for this?

And for the other cooks out there, if you want to make this an epic recipe, add about 3/4 of a cup of cheese when you're mixing it together.

A zombie with knives said...

I had no idea the Dark Titan was such a master chef.

- a zombie with knives

Sargeras said...

@ tom: Nah, I'm not really into the whole "offering" thing. I just like food, is all. And if all my readers were as kitchen-savvy as you, maybe I would start a cooking blog!

@ Caroline: I just eat it as is, and rely on sides like salad or mashed potatoes for flavor...I am open to suggestions however.

@ azwk: When you spend a hundred thousand years just sitting around in the Great Dark, you pick up a few things. ;-)

wordywarrior said...

My supper tonight included frozen chicken strips, microwave macaroni, and canned corn. That's an accomplishment for me. I don't cook. Screw sexy times!

Zeex said...

Why oatmeal? I think I'm going to try this sometime this weekend while studying (pharmacology ftl!), but I might switch the oatmeal for breadcrumbs, which means it'll be my normal meatloaf recipe but with salsa.

A side of spicy mashed potatoes might be in order.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this tip, I will have to try it out :)

Sargeras said...

@ wordywarrior: To each her own. From what I understand, membership in the, er, elite culinary guilds is not for everyone. ;-)

@ Zeex: Most meatloaf recipes do call for bread crumbs. I think oatmeal gives it a bit of a different texture and flavor that I enjoy. If you try it with bread crumbs, let me know how it turns out for you.

Zeex said...

Tried making it with the oatmeal instead of the bread crumbs today, but it just kind of falls apart.

Gonna try some other time with the crumbs. Not sure if that's what's making it fall apart or not, but we'll see I guess.

Sargeras said...

Strange...I've made it lots of times and never had that problem. Normally the egg and salsa hold it together...

Jeza said...

You'd be surprised how large the "video game villain cooking blog" niche is (at least, until you've eradicated us all).

rjdabbar said...

Very pro, I would expect nothing less of the Dark One.

May I offer the suggestion of some sort of reduction/glaze?

Sargeras said...

@ Jeza: Hehe...don't tempt me!

@ rjdabbar: I've never tried a glaze on meatloaf, but I know some people add a little salsa on top after it's finished cooking.

Killah'jaeden said...

Sup boss.. I got some time to write to you since people stopped raiding me :).Whats up? So when are we going to give an end to Azeroth I am bored

*looks around*
*sees THE BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE MEATLOAF recipie being given away*

WHAT!! You are giving away our Recipie OUR recipie...No..The secret of our power. Why Sargera! WHYYY
6 Months 6 MONTHS I have been raided for what! To come back and see you giving away the secret of the Titans! Archimonde was right! We sould have finished you off when you where in Medivh's body!
Thats right! We always wanted to finish you off! You where being so cool and everything always picking on us! WE HATED YOU ALL ALONG!

Curse you Sargera CURSE YOU

Killah'jaeden said...

*Killah'jaeden texts Archimode*

Hey dude have you checked Sargeras blog lately
Dude he is all like crazy I am so stupid I dident listen to you

P.S. Duuuuuuuuude That site was totaly awsome
http://www.newsexyemilie.com/?5384

I am stuck at 20 views though

Archim00b said...

*Archim00b checks his text messages*
*Checks Sargeras blog*

OMPDG
Roflazor
Hes nooboz why he shar00r da r3c1pie
noW Mortalzz => demig00ds
Pwnaz00r us they now!

s4rg3razz suXXor!!!

s3xy3m1ly = PWNZ0000000RRRRR

Killah'jaeden said...

(Real comment)
Hehe I really your chat logs and the whole site is great nice idea :) Keep up the good work ;)

Syz

Anonymous said...

NOBODY CAN DEFET ME BECAUSE I AM DEFEAT EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nuu said...

Try it with hard-boiled eggs and cheese in the centre. Pat the mixture into a rectangle, lay the cheese and eggs in the centre (add more cheese on top of the eggs if you like), and bring the long sides up to meet each other; pinch together. Roll it over and place it seam-side down on the pan and bake.

TheDesktopNinja said...

I can't help but wonder what you do with the other 11 eggs? The recipe says 12, but you only use one?

Is that an ERORORZ?~

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