Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Ask Sargeras! In which I answer SO MANY E-MAILS

Last week I beseeched y'all to send me your questions, and wow, did you ever. My inbox was fuller than something that's completely full of other, smaller things! Well, let's get right to it.

Dear Dark Titan,

I know destroying entire solar systems must be the kind of job that can work up an appetite, especially for someone who enjoys their work and really gets into it. I was wondering what kind of snacks keep you going through your day, if any, and what kind of hearty meal you like to sit down to after a long day's work?

I would also like to extend an invitation for a free meal of your choice at the restaurant where i work, should you be hungry at the time your schedule gets around to the destruction of earth. While i'm not a chef yet, i am aspiring to be, and i have a small bit of talent, being a southerner raised on fried chicken and other country cousine. It would be my honor to serve the last meal i prepare to one such as yourself!

Awaiting destruction and prepared to make SMORES,

Savadren of Doomhammer

S'mores are delicious, and anyone who says differently in my presence will pay the price. Using heat to make marshmallows and chocolate even more delicious? I'm sold. Thank you for your kind time I pass through, I'll look you up. I'll warn you, though, I am So I guess, if you can't stand the heat...well, you know.

As to my own eating habits, there is of course the BLSSUM, a perennial favorite of the infernal legions. I like it because it's easy, and I'm all about easy due to my intense laziness. Hence carrot sticks, Doritos, and mac & cheese occupy the top tier in my culinary hierarchy. I'm also partial to no-bake cookies, but I'm so bad at the no-bake part!

Dear Annihilator of Worlds,

So, as the Lich King mentioned in one of your hilarious (which i mean in the best of ways, almighty destroyer) chatlogs, you don't appear to have any endgame.
Your puny, ever-failing right hand Kil'Jaeden couldn't come up with a good explanation for what your Legion would do after you killed everyone and everything outside of it, but I'm sure you can. And if on the off chance he was right about this matter, let me say that I think you deserve Aegwynn's corpse to dance on. You did spend 778 years trapped in that corpse.

P.S.: Do paladins get smashed first?

Thvelin, Nazgrel-US

Endgame, endgame, everyone's worried about endgame. Is it really reasonable to expect a well-thought-out long-term strategy from the High Overlord of Chaotic Evil? But if you must know, I envision the Very End Of Times going a little something like this:

1. All other life destroyed, the Burning Legion is the only thing left in a universe of ruins and dust.

2. I pit my demons against each other in an elaborate gladiatorial system for my amusement, promising the winners membership in an ever-shrinking and nonexistent group of beings that I will allow to survive.

3. The last demon standing gets the honor of being personally squelched by yours truly.

4. No, I am not going to kill myself. I will spend the remaining 275,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years before the Heat Death of the Universe practicing transcendental meditation. If Buddhism is all about removing attachments, it should be a lot easier when there's nothing left to be attached to.

5. Occasionally I will indulge in baccarat.

And no, pallies do not get the honor of first smiting. The honor of first smiting goes to Whoever Happens To Be Standing In Wisconsin When I Drop Greenland On It.

Dear Mister Dark Titan,

I've been conducting research into titany things lately, (Well, only some titany things, to be honest, because some of the titans made really neat stuff, like Uldaman and rainbows and gigantic machines that fill up whole mountains, and some of them are... well... Aggramar.) And anyway, in my research, I've come across a few things that I just can't figure out: If you destroy everything, where are you going to keep all your stuff? And where will you go to get pie?


Flit Flutterby

The first question is easy: if the whole universe is a smoking wreck, there's nothing but places to put my stuff. For example: the crater where Wisconsin used to be before I dropped Greenland on it? A place to put my stuff. The parsecs between the dust motes of what used to be Neptune? A place to put my stuff. Waste a lot, want not.

As to the pie, rest assured I have not been idle in the billions of years of my life. My stockpile of pie is without rival in the universe, with the possible exception of Oscar Wilde, who as of this writing is both crusty and fruity.

Dear Sargeras

I've been asking around, and it struck me that you have, and I quote,

"Wildly dancing flames surround his head and form a thick mass of hair and a sweeping beard."

Now you see o mighty titan, I am a dreadlord that's rather new to this dealio. How do you keep the beard and the hair to a respectable standard? Do you use some sort of huge razor, or does it just fall off at your will?

-- A stubbly dreadlord

This can be tricky. I used to have one of my demon-lords shave me with Gorribal, but I ended up with a sloppy cut, too many nicks, and far too few demon-lords (mainly as a result of the nicks). These days, whenever I need a trim, I just pay a visit to Aegwynn, and her cutting remarks do the job quite nicely.

Greetings, oh great Titan, I hope that It's going good with your daily destruction of universe.
I dare send you that message to ask you a little thing that could help us to understand better the universe itself.
In our little planet there are people that believe that the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is 42. Peraphs joust to know that that is the answer helps that people, and sometimes also me use that simple answer to calm my useless doubts.
What do you think about that? Did you find the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything yourself in your really-long life? Can you share a little your reliable knowledge?

Pretenano (argent dawn, EU)

P.S. I hope my english is good enough my powerfull Lord

Yeah, it's 42. I remember because I got that question wrong on my Introduction To Useless Philosophy 103 class back before I went dark. I put "seeing Jessica Alba naked," which was marked wrong because she hadn't been born at the time. Fascists.

Incidentally, Douglas Adams seems to have been under the impression that the Question itself cannot be understood, and that if Question and Answer were ever known at the same time, the universe would implode. This is untrue; I know, because I tried it myself, hoping for a shortcut. No dice. For the curious: the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is, "What is the atomic number of molybdenum?" Trufax.

Dear Sargeras,

Where do baby Titans come from?

Amaralith, Trollbane-US

Well, you see, when two interdimensional filaments love each other very much...

That is, there were some birds and some bees and a stork the size of Rhode Island...

What I mean to say is, if a pair of gametes each happens to be made of adamantium...

I guess what I'm getting at is, a cosmic paragon of annihilation has certain needs...

Look, it's complicated, okay?

Sargeras, Lord of the twisting nether, commander of the burning legion and aficionado of haiku,

Before, you have stated that when you destroy the earth you will give us minute-by-minute updates of what you're doing. We humans have a thing called "previews" where you show us what something is like before it happens. Mostly this is done for movies. But seeing as we wont be around to make one, maybe you could do a minute-by-minute update of the next planet you destroy? (assuming it isn't us, of course.)


Not a bad idea! I'll keep it in mind.

Don't worry, I'll make it a little longer and more interesting than certain other planetary destructions I could name.

Dear big, dedicated destroyer person

Yeah, hi. Look, I'm sorry, but I'm just a gnome, who, in his spare time, cruses the internet. I'm not exactly happy with you, really. I mean, you are going to decimate - not kill, DECIMATE - me and my bud's. Frankly, I like being alive. So, I hope you don't mind, but if I do see some little imp, I'll be sure to kill it. No offense or anything, just a matter of politics. Can't be supporting something we hate, now can we?

Anyways, when I'm not frankly $%@!%'d at you for the above mentioned problem to my well being, I was wondering. Your ultimate goal (according to the wonders of WoWwiki, anyways) is to undo everything the Titans made. Well... Doesn't that kind of mean you have to destroy yourself? How does that work? Nothingness can't be nothing if something is in the nothing, and your definitely a rather big something. So, what are your final plans? And how are you going to have a funeral if everything is dead?

PS. How do your parents (If you have any) feel about this career path? Just wondering...

Your everlasting enemy and coffee mate
-A little guy with a big sword (ALGWABS for short)

I think I've already answered the questions about endgame and titan parenthood, so let me simply suggest that you channel your rage into something more poetry. ;-)

So far, all the focus for questions in 'Ask Sargeras' that people seem to have is on the current 'Sargeras the Destroyer', or whatever applicable title of choice you prefer. For a change however, how about a few questions about the 'goody-good' Sargeras of the past?

We all know that you used to go around smiting evil and such pre-corruption, but aside from switching sides, has much really changed? I mean, back then it was wiping out dreadlords and the worlds they twisted, but it seems like it was destruction nonetheless. Are there any other notable personality quirks or even hobbies that carried over, or is there a mental block on what was perhaps a 'sickeningly sweet' old life, like how you used to be unable to conceive of pure evil back then?

Also, originally the story went that the Eredar helped you along the path of corruption, and now the official word is that you corrupted them instead (leaving the space goats to escape). Bronze dragonflight conspiracies perhaps, or were you simply too busy being distracted by the wiles of the 'original' space goat women to remember/care either way?

And incidentally, I came across an old lore post regarding you on wowinsder back in '07, saying "It's a good thing Sargeras didn't have a livejournal, as I bet it would have had some really awful 'you don't understand my pain' poetry on it." Little did they know what would really eventuate...

- The Masked Mustelid

Hm...I'll try to answer these in the order you asked them...

1. The main thing that's changed between the old smiting and the new smiting is there's a lot less anxiety now. Think about it: if you're smiting evil, you constantly have to check what you smite pre-smite to make sure it's actually smite-worthy. Talk about pressure! Under the new "Scorched Ether" policy, ulcers are down 98%.

2. The main personality quirk left over from the "good old days," so to speak, is my insatiable schoolboy crush on the moon Io. can you stay mad at a planetoid that's ripping itself apart? Of course, in those innocent times, I figured my attraction was merely platonic, and certainly not tectonic. I've learned better since then...and so has Io.

3. If you rearrange the letters in "Space Goat" you get "Taco Pages," which I think is all I have to say about that.

4. The site you're referring to would be here. I was actually just reading that line myself not too long ago, and it gave me a pretty good chuckle.

I mean, honestly. I am many things, but I'm hardly Goth.

Well, that about wraps it up for this week. Keep those questions coming!


Anthony Clarke said...


Woot, question got answered! Yay!

Arthas said...

Nice round of answers this time!

Enjai said...

This whole session is full of fail!!!! In one of the guest posts on another blog, Our Almighty Dark Titan has answered the question of an end game centered on His Dark And Mightiness. And yet, there were at *least* two quetions regarding end game Sargeras! One was from a gnome (which, gnome as we all know are full of fail in and of themselves) ... but it simply proves that the people of this measly flea-speck planet deserve to be wiped out by an almighty Titan simply because we are so full of fail.

However, they were worth a chuckle or two. So maybe there's hope for us yet. Can we get a ruling about this? Maybe call in Mills Lane??

Sargeras said...

@ Enjai: Maybe it's so much win it looks like fail. I've had that happen to me a lot.

Anthony Clarke said...

Hmm, like with who?

Aegwynn was just fail, I mean seriously, who takes EIGHT HUNDRED YEARS to get laid? Come on!

Sargeras said...

(Yoda voice) When eight hundred years you reach, get laid as many times you will not, mmmm? Ooh hoo hoo hoo!

Amaralith said...

I will never look at the Titan child my parents adopted the same way ever again...

Andrew said...

You know, the question to the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is actually in the books. "What do you get when you multiply 6 by 9?" It's when Arthur is pulling the stones out of the bag while he and Ford are on primitive Earth and all the cavemen wander away from Arthur trying to educate them. This question is correctly answered using a base 13 counting system as opposed to a base 10 counting system.

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