Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ask Sargeras! In which server names are mocked without good cause.

Hated Dark Titan,
Today I was procrastinating for a while and then I remember a quote from a human you may know whose name was Robert Oppenheimer. He is famous on my planet and maybe you have heard about him, if that's so then I'm sure you remember when he said "Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds" now my question is
What are your thoughts about that?

Mr. Oppenheimer uttered those words upon witnessing the Earth's first atom bomb explosion in 1945 - an explosion he himself was largely responsible for. Now, an atom bomb contains approximately the same amount of power as I possess in my left pinky finger, which is no small feat, so I suppose I can't blame the fellow for a bit of hyperbole. 20 kilotons here, 20 kilotons there, and pretty soon you're talking about real power.

Of course, Oppenheimer was quoting Krishna, who's destroyed a world or two in his time as well. I'm not sure how happy Krishna is about that, but then the copyright on the Bhagavad Gita did expire twenty-two centuries ago.

Dear Sargeras, Annihilator of All that is Planet-Shaped and Crunchy:

Have you ever had one of those "oh shit" moments right after turning a specific planet into a lifeless shard of blackened earth and immolated ruins? Like, say, you realize after disintegrating the Concubine Gardens of Vagis 5 that you could have instead had the planet's inhabitants enslaved and forced to work for your own insidious purposes rather than simply melting into pools of whore-flavored goo (the best kind amirite) and evaporating in seconds.

Another Unimportant Soul Soon To Be Eradicated

P.S.: Have you ever read George Orwell's 1984? Judging by its intellectual intricacies, I think you'd definitely find it at the very least amusing.

P.P.S.: Sorry about the Vagis 5 pun. I couldn't hold it back.

It's safe to say I get more pleasure from the act of destruction than any miniature female could possibly provide. The only planet I ever regretted destroying was Shaped-Like-Keanu-Reeves-World. Not because it deserved to live, but because I wish I'd taken a screenshot first.

Cause, man. Shaped-Like-Keanu-Reeves-World? It's shaped like Keanu Reeves.

And yes, 1984 is one of my favorite books. Because believe me, I know how annoying a Big Brother can be.

Dark Lord Sargeras, Destroyer of Worlds,

Hey man, I was hoping you could help me out with something. See a couple months ago I was a druid, turning into cats and bears and making flowers grow and calling laser moonlight from the sky, that kind of thing. It was great for awhile, but honestly, after about ten thousand years of it a guy is more than ready for a change, am I right? So I was in the market for something REALLY different when I hear about this guy Arthas in Northrend. It seems he's recruiting to make more Teron Gorefiends, and that dude was a major badass, so I waste no time in signing up.

Let me tell you something. Being dead SUCKS. You have no idea the amount of thread and skin cream I go through just to keep my flesh hanging on my body. When you're alive a papercut is no big deal, heals in a couple days. Dead? That rip in your skin is there forever, and it freaking grows every time you flex your hand. I'm sure you can imagine what the axe cuts are like. Nobody wants me around anymore 'cause of the smell and the bloodworms and bad experiences with my paint chip-eating colleagues. Plus- and this is kind of becoming a concern- I haven't been warm since November. I don't technically sleep but this cold thing is really wearing me out.

And Arthas? That dude tried to use and destroy me. That just ain't cool.

So let me make a long story short. I hear life in the Nether is a lot more interesting and hell at this point I wouldn't mind a little flames and darkness. Do you think you might have an opening for someone with my skills? I'm really getting the hang of this "reaping souls and chaos" thing and I think I could be useful in your organization.


Mulifein, Death Knight
Feathermoon US

We at the Burning Legion are always accepting applications, and I can well understand how existence as an undead lackey could be a real pain in the - er - everything. (No offense, Arthas!) So, you're welcome to send us a resume.

There's only one problem I see, and that's your server name.

Dude. Feathermoon?

I mean, no offense, I'm sure it's a great realm and all, and Shandris is wicked with her bow, but...


I'm gonna level with ya, kid - that'll be a tough sell to the Demon Horde.

Incredible Titan Who Occasionally partakes in poetry, coffee, and blogging,

We all know you could destroy the ozone layer, cripple the atmosphere, and kill off the biosphere, but what could you do to the blogosphere?


PS: In one of your comments you mentioned burning legion rock bands. What kind of rock do they play, and could we land a recording or a performance of said band?

What could I do to the blogosphere? I'm doing it right now. ;-)

Yeah, we've got a few bands in the Legion. I wish I could say we represent a diverse range of musical genres, but it's pretty much all Grunge Black Punk Goth Thrash Doom Death Metal. Kil'jaeden has a band called Firehöse, which he apparently thinks is like the coolest name ever. He swears they're huge in Helsinki. *eyeroll*

Well, that's all for this mailbag, little ones! Be sure to tune in tomorrow, same time, same channel. And keep those e-mails coming!


Anonymous said...

Clearly, Mr Mulifein has been hanging around the wrong crowd... Smell and bloodworms are very much welcome where I hang out.

Marduk said...

Oh yeah, Firehöse... I'm pretty sure they play at some of the local gay bars. I could be wrong on that though.

Sargeras said...

@ Arthas: "Clearly, Mr Mulifein has been hanging around the wrong crowd..." Couldn't agree more. ;-)

@ Marduk: You know, that really wouldn't surprise me at all.

Anonymous said...

If Feathermoon is a hard sell to the demon horde, imagine if I wanted to join...from Dawnbringer! I think I hear demons laughing at me right now *sighs*

Alozare :D said...

i have to ask, is Led Zeppelin from the burning legion? after playing Stairway to Heaven backwards, i see that they might not be (Satan does not equal sargeras), but their unholy ability to rock... maybe?

and feathermoon... wao. i didnt think anyone played there still. i thought everyone went to sentinels (and subsequently Moon Guard), but theres at least one of em!

Sargeras said...

@ ceestar: Anyone out there from Skullcrusher?

@ Alozare: Nah... if they were from the Burning Legion they'd have more umlauts. ;-)

Anthony Clarke said...

woot! my question got answered!
"Grunge Black Punk Goth Thrash Doom Death Metal" is my new favorite kind.

Anonymous said...

Nothin' does metal like the Metal Demons.

Hellz yeah. *throws the horns*

Post a Comment