Tuesday, April 12, 2011

New blog

Hi everybody!

This is Brian Buckley, the creator of Coffee With Sargeras. Just wanted to give you all a quick heads-up that I've started a new blog. It's not about WoW, or video games, and it's not primarily a humor blog. It's about writing - both my own writing (primarily the novel I'm working on) and my thoughts on writing in general. So it's a very different kind of thing, but also more personal. If you've ever wondered about the person behind the Sargeras blog, here's your chance to learn more.


Thanks so much. For reading. For everything.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Sargeras says sayonara

Hi, it's Brian speaking. This is the end of the blog.

It was a very difficult decision for me, and I didn't make it lightly. For those who care, read on and I'll explain my reasons. Warning: I will be rambling on at some length.

This all started back in March, with the original Scourge Chat Log. I wrote it on a whim for a Blizzard contest that a co-worker told me about, and it sort of went viral in a small way - about a hundred thousand people read it, and the feedback was very positive. And I figured, while I had everyone's attention, I should take advantage of the opportunity and get a little blog going, to see where it went.

I'd had a blog once before, also humor, but it had very few readers so I finally gave it up. (It was a fake political campaign for one of my friends - the link is Burns For America if anyone's curious.) Having tried blogging once before already, I was wary, knowing the demands it makes on one's time - and I always tend to take on more projects than I can handle.

But this time, I decided to go for it again. I knew it would be different, having hundreds of readers rather than a few dozen, having a fun character to write. It would also give me a chance to practice writing, which I always welcome.

And it was fun. A lot of fun. Sargeras is just a blast to write, because you can say all these ridiculous things and it's just part of the character. I loved the e-mails and the comments - in other words, I loved interacting with you guys. I loved that I could write anything I wanted and know it was being read, and enjoyed. And all the other cool things - the Sargeras banner graphic, the theme song, the radio adaptation, the sonnet contest, the Facebook page - it was all awesome. I loved it. I really did.

To be honest, that's the hardest thing about quitting: looking at the huge amount of work that's gone into this, both from myself and from others, and deciding to leave it all behind. It was a unique opportunity, one that will never come back again.

So what's made me quit?

The answer is simple: I just don't enjoy it anymore.

It's no secret that I neither play, nor have much interest in, World of Warcraft. That's nothing against those who do - it's just a personal preference. But the posts reflect that lack of interest; few of them had much to do with WoW. Now, you don't have to talk about WoW to write in character as Sargeras; you can just ramble on about destruction and planets and peeps, and write sonnets, and so on. And I did.

But even within that relatively broad framework, I found more and more that I was having to shoehorn the topics that actually interested me into something that was nominally related to the Sargeras character. I wasn't having all that much fun anymore; it was just something I was doing because I had committed to doing it. I was doing it because I was "supposed" to, not because I really wanted to.

That isn't great for me, and it's not all that great for you guys, either. Lack of passion is reflected in the quality of writing; if the writer doesn't care about his subject, well, it shows. And at that point - if I'm not having fun and you're not getting great writing - well, what's the point?

If I had an infinite amount of time to do everything I wanted to do, I might keep with it, for a while at least. But as I've mentioned before, that's not the case. There are so many things I want to do with my life, all competing for my time, that I have to be very selective - just as all of you do, too. And ultimately, this blog just couldn't make the cut anymore.

Well, I've talked long enough, I suppose. You get the idea. I hope no one's too terribly disappointed. There are lots of entertaining things to read on the Internet.

Thanks so much, all of you, for sticking with me through this little experiment. I won't forget it. It's been a lot of fun.

Carpe fucking diem.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Sargeras Survey!

I'm fascinated by your microscopic human lives. INDULGE MY TITANIC CURIOSITY!!1

1. Do you play WoW? And if not, you'd better have a damned good excuse.

2. How fast can you solve a Rubik's Cube?

3. Is Revenge of the Sith superior to any of the original Star Wars films?

4. If you were me, would you rather smash Neptune or Mercury? Why?

5. Is Shakespeare overrated? Explain.

6. How many Level 80's do you have?

7. The Spanish-American War: discuss.

8. What is the farthest north you have ever been? Earth, not Azeroth.

9. Is Final Fantasy VII better than Final Fantasy VI?

10. Do you find the plot of WoW engaging? If so, what do you think is wrong with you, medically speaking?

11. Give an example of a movie that, in your opinion, was better than the book it was based on.

12. What was the occupation of Johannes Kepler's maternal grandfather?

13. Do you find the color orange visually appealing?

14. McDreamy or McSteamy?

15. In your opinion, was Woodrow Wilson directly responsible for the outbreak of World War II?

16. Have you ever created your own WoW guild? How long did it last? What was it called?

17. In your opinion, was the Book of Deuteronomy written by Moses?

18. Are puppies fuzzy and soft? If not, why not?

19. Do you think you're better than me?

20. What. Is. The deal.

Leave your answers in the comments below. Anyone who answers them all gets ten bonus points. That's right...TEN.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Haiku #53

Your vile smoking section is
separate but equal.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Ask Sargeras! In which the origin of Boxing Day is revealed.

Dear Sargeras,

Does it burn when you pee?


Thank you for this profoundly insightful question. I can honestly say it is questions like these that motivate me to do my job each and every day.

Yes (giggle) it burns when I pee.

Your Great and Enflamed Supremefulship,

I was letting my mind wander during a work related conference call and recalled that eventually entropy death will cause all life and order in the universe to cease. Have you considered this effect and its possible impact on your life's work? Or perhaps I should say the impact of your life's work on the time until entropy death?

It would seem to me as you go about destroying worlds through a series of varying and spectacular methods that you are actually adding energy into the universe (which energy must originate with you). By inserting additional energy into the universe, aren't you actually delaying the eventual entropy death of the universe? Wouldn't the most efficient method of universal destruction involve devising ways to destroy worlds in a way that results in the highest increase in net entropy instead of ways that result in the highest increase in your amusement?

Now my physics jargon may be a bit off, but I believe you get what I'm driving at.

Cheerfully ignorant of the time of my impending doom,

of Doomhammer

You seem to be confusing two separate concepts: energy and entropy. Energy is constant; it can neither be created nor destroyed. Entropy, in contrast, is a measure of disorder, and is always increasing.

Therefore your claim that I am "adding energy into the universe" is quite mistaken. I am of course adding energy into certain systems (namely, the doomed planets) at the expense of energy elsewhere; this does not imply, however, that I am decreasing their disorder. Quite the opposite! I'm a big fan of the second law of thermodynamics, I just think it's going about its work a little too slowly.

Oh, if anybody was expecting a joke there, lucky you, you got a physics lecture instead!

I'm a big fan of your musings and toying with us mortals for your amusement...and your recipes.

However, there is something that has been nagging in the back of my mind recently after reading the sarcasim and horrible puns in the archives. Everytime I read those moments I hear your 'voice' as Nappa from TFS DragonballZ Abridged...just minus the raging stupidity. And I can't help but giggle. I'm curious how accurate this may or may not be. Just wondering.

A mortal that most-likely just bumped his order in line to be smited up a few notches

Regrettably, the rigors of universal immolation leave little time for watching fan-created anime parodies, so I can't claim to be familiar with the voice in question. However I am of the firm opinion that subtracting "raging stupidity" from anyone's voice can only cause them to sound more like myself.

Rest assured, you will be able to judge for yourself when you hear the sound of my voice personally - sooner or later!

O ruler of many demons,

What kind of clothes do you wear? I'd assume they must be coated in some sort of flame-retardant to keep you from embarrassing your demons when compared to your awesome masculinity, but is there a certain brand? Will they be spared in the upcoming apocalypse in order to facilitate your clothing needs, or will you simply destroy things in your ultimate nakedness?

Or perhaps you arrange your flames in a proper formation to cover yourself? If so, does the heat ever become uncomfortable?

And also, how is it possible for you to enjoy the deliciousness that is Dibs ice cream bites? I imagine they'd melt before you got to eat them, but was there ever a time you've been able to try them? Dippin Dots are an equally delicious treat that you're missing out on I bet. Is this why you're hell-bent on destroying planets? Perhaps it's because everyone else gets to enjoy frozen treats while you only get smoldering hot BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE MEATLOAF, which, while delicious (I like to add bacon strips across the top of it) can only take you so far in the wonder that is a sense of taste.

Then again, pretty soon we'll all just have a sense of nonexistence, and you'll still have your Legion Loaf, so I guess it's not all bad, huh?

Crono, Blood Elf Death Knight

PS: You really should get Arthas back in line. I mean seriously, he let the entire Death Knight army he had run free. Just look at the planet, if he had as many Death Knights as the Horde and Alliance do now, he should have overrun the entirety of Azeroth like the instant he rose us from death.

Planets are my Dippin' Dots.

As to the clothing question, I only wear Victoria's Secret. That's right, savor that mental image. Drink it in.

Dearest Sargeras,

I've noticed as I read your blog that you've mentioned several Earth/American holidays. Are there holidays in the Twisting Nether? If so, how are they celebrated? Are there wild celebrations with food, alcohol, and fireworks? Sacrificial demons? Or just relaxing on the couch with a good book?


As a matter of fact, all Earth holidays derive from a single primordial Nether holiday, Cinco De Groundhog Earth Mother Boxing Valentine Christmalloweenstergiving Dragon Boat Day, which occurs once every twenty-two thousand years. We celebrate by eating five tons each of rice dumplings, turkey, and candy, then drinking tequila till we pass out.

If you have a question for Sargeras, be sure to mail it in!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Haiku #52

Under my nails is
dust from ten thousand deserts,
smog of cities lost.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Sargeras Does Europe

I'm baaaaaaack. What, don't tell me you've forgotten me already? :-D

Europe was fun. I use the past tense for obvious reasons. Don't worry, though, my web dude was along too, and he snapped pictures! Let's see if I can dig up a few. Here we go...

Windsor Castle! Very pretty, that was. I hope Her Majesty's not too upset about my redecorating, but I really think the smoking rubble adds something to the decor.

I left Stonehenge alone, actually. It's already a ruin, so doing anything else just seemed gratuitous.

Westminster Abbey. Well, you know what they say: the bigger they are...

Hey, wait a minute! I'm not so sure I like that saying.

Pardon me, do you have the time? Time to build a new clock tower! Bwa ha ha.

Well, after taking care of Westminster it just wouldn't be right to leave out Notre Dame.

This arch was too low to let me pass under it. It had to go.

And finally, here's one I took myself, looking down on the Eiffel Tower.

So, it was a fun vacation. And you should know that anyone who claims London and Paris were not completely obliterated over the course of the last two weeks...is obviously lying.

To everyone who e-mailed me while I was gone (and before), don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you. We'll have a mailbag on Wednesday.

And now...to sleep!

Friday, July 31, 2009

Guest poem and VACATION!!!

Hey, kids! Guess what time it is? That's right, it's time for me and Brian to go on a vacation to Europe for two weeks! That's a week in London, and a week in Paris. Now we all know about my trouble with flying, so I'm sure the added step of going through customs won't make things any easier...but we'll give it a shot. Hey, maybe I'll boil the Thames while I'm over there.

So, yes, this means two whole weeks without my fun and enlightening posts, two whole weeks without haikus or Ask Sargeras e-mails. How will you survive for a whole fortnight without my illuminating presence?

Actually, it should be a lot easier, shouldn't it? But regardless, here's something to tide you over. I received a kind invitation to write a guest poem for a poetry blog called LOGBERG in MOTOWN, and I was happy to oblige. Go check it out!

See you August 17. I'll return with pictures!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Haiku #51

Want to roll with me?
We could cruise around, top down,
flashing Legion signs.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Ask Sargeras! In which spelling is fundamental.

We begin today with the best e-mail I got all week. It was not a question, but a picture, snapped from the camera of the esteemed Risqtish:

These are indeed the Burning Legion Super Tasty Ultimate Cookies, made by the hands of Risqtish herself. I'm told that is her Murloc, too. Thanks, Risqtish!

Right. Onward!

In my time as a Paladin, fighting off your minions, the Scourge, the
Scryers, etc, I have seen some pretty fierce warriors. One of which
holds the title of the Walker, Texas Ranger. I beseech your mighty
Titan-ness, who would win: Yours truly, the Titan, or Chuck Norris,
equipped with a Krol Blade?

Grand Protectorate of the Aldor
Varla Blaydes
Keeper of the Blog of the Grand Protectorate of the Aldor.
  • Sargeras destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
  • Sargeras can lick his elbow.
  • Sargeras doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Sargeras has allowed to live.
  • When Sargeras jumps in water, he doesn't get wet. Water gets Sargeras.
P.S. I would come out of nowhere lightning fast and kick Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass.

heya dark overlord.
i was thinking the other day, we where capable of beating your little minion KJ. And since our powers are evergrowing, as we continiue to kill and loot enemies beyond our wildest dreams. (such as yogg-saron). Is it possible we one day will come and kill you? I mean you havnt destroyed our planet yet... So its proberly only a matter of time before some random person slays you and take your throne isnt it?

p.s have you ever eaten a gnome? And if so was it delicius?
p.s.s sorry i have talked in brocken common but it is not my native tounge

- Tamenka, tauran and eater of gnomes

Yeah, your power level is increasing all the time, but I'm above your horizontal asymptote.

P.S. I eat tauren.

Dear Sargeras,

I was wondering. Do you feel any competition from Algalon? I mean, He's like the Titans poster boy for planetary things. Sure, he just goes back and TELLS the titans if a planet needs re-rolled, but don't you think at some point, he's going to decide to roll some planets on his own, and thus be competition for you?

Are you jealous that while you are burning hot, and infinitely large, that he is in fact, probably bigger, because he's a constellation? If you do have a problem with it, why aren't you in Ulduar kicking his ass yourself?

Oh and could you let me know where you plan on striking first on Azeroth? I want to be there. We have some unfinished business to attend to.

That Blood Elf you wont let work for you.

This is the perfect example of how the Titans pussyfoot around about everything. They want to blow up planets, but boo hoo hoo, they feel so much guilt about killing little mortals...so they come up with these justifications like "eliminating corruption." Maybe they should try eliminating their own stupidity (oh BURN!).

As for Algalon, he loses to a raid party. A raid party. No offense, but look at your raiding group and tell me honestly - if these guys can beat up Algalon, do you really think I consider him competition?

First strike on Azeroth will be precisely 12.38 leagues northwest of where you least expect it.

Almighty Fiery One~

Have you read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? If so, what are your thoughts on it? And do you happen to know The Ultimate Question? I mean, you're a Titan...It's possible.

Kuyleh of Alexstrasza

Already answered this one.

Greetings Lord S of keeping the microwave useless.

Once again I write to ask you two questions.

#1 Do you wear sandals? If not, do you pay special head to destroying people who wear them first?
#2 How long did it take to write just one book of your collection? Because the paper must burst into flames.#

Good luck with destroying your next planet and species.

Matt A. Dixon

I'm really, really hoping you meant to type "heed" in that first question. Don't make me add another rule to my list. Anyway, yeah, I wear sandals on Casual Fridays, but listen up peeps, I don't wear socks with 'em, y'hear?

As for the book, um, obviously it was written on SPECIAL PAPER

Anyway, it's been real. Catch you cats later, I've got a village to pillage! And of course "village" means "inhabited world." And of course "pillage" means "turn into little tiny ashes."


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Haiku #50

Swimming's not for me,
but I am the Michael Phelps
of burnination.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Rules

1. I am always right. If I contradict myself, both of the things I say are right. If I create a paradox, I do not create a paradox.

2. Never disagree with me. If you disagree with me, you are wrong. This is a corollary of Rule #1.

3. Never insult me. The punishment for insulting me is to be tied up and forced to listen to the entire archive of Perez Hilton's blog on audio CD as read by Paris Hilton. If I'm feeling merciful I will just kill you.

4. Don't be stupid.

5. The closer your e-mail conforms to the grammatical rules of the English language, the greater your chance of receiving a meaningful response, provided you observe Rule #4. According to my poll, none of you are under 10 years old, so this should be an achievable goal. E-mails from non-native English speakers are allowed greater leniency, but don't abuse the privilege.

6. Do not mention Twitter in my presence.

7. I am an avatar of elemental evil. I do not want to kiss you, poke you, support your Mafia faction, buy you a round, see the results of your quiz, join your group to end cruelty to Malaysian salamanders, or find out which of the cast of The Brady Bunch you think I am most like.

8. Being ironic is not the same thing as being smart.

9. "Sargie" is an abbreviation for "I want to die."

10. No, I will not destroy your calculus teacher, your boss, your homework assignment, your guildmates, or your ex significant other. Asking me to do this is code for "I want to die."

11. I don't care what you or your guild did in World of Warcraft. Really.


13. Groveling is not necessary. While I appreciate the sentiment, your inferiority is self-evident. Stating it explicitly is redundant. Sucking up is unnecessary for much the same reason.

14. There is no Rule #14.

15. Nitpicking is not the same thing as being smart.

16. Making lists of rules for your blog is not the same thing as being smart.

17. Being Sargeras is the same thing as being smart. And also handsome, powerful, evil, awesome, and sexy.

18. Asking questions that can be answered by Google in less time than it takes to type the question is punishable by xenocide.

19. Puns are funny. Yes, really. See Rule #1.

20. Everyone gets annihilated. No exceptions.

21. See Rule #1.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Short and sweet

My Internet connection is on the brink of death so I'll keep this short and sweet. I've written a guest post on the Fireball Spam blog that should be up sometime today. (Update: it's up!)

Have a great weekend, I'll write more when my Internet is more reliable!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Haiku #49

Who can count the stars?
If I had my way, counting
them would not take long.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Ask Sargeras! In which turtles prove fundamental.

Hello, little friends! If you direct your attention to the right side of your screen, you'll notice I have a poll for you. Please partake.

Well, let's get on with it, shall we?

Dear mighty titan,

This is a question regarding your job (hobby) ; destroying planets and lifeforms.
Is there any kind of a galactic ethic council you have to deal with after your job´s done?
If so: How do you treat them? (eating, throw into the next Sun, playing pool with them - Yeah right upper black hole, or just listen to them)

Did you ever thought about doing something else then destroying Planets (I mean they arent not countless arent they?)
What do you wanna do if you have destroyed the last planet?
You could write a book but - no ones left to read it...

Nicorobbin - Nathrezim/Eu


Eh, I'll let it slide.

I've already discussed endgame in a previous post, so I won't bring that up again. As to a galactic ethics council, that's pretty much all the titans do. It's, like, depressing. I think most of 'em wish they could just fly around blowing shit up the way I do, but they know they could never be as boss as me.

But anyway, yeah, I get these sad little "cease-and-desist" letters from them about once a month on beige strawberry-scented stationery with art deco letterheads. I stick them in a pile with my cease-and-desist letters from Blizzard, and jump into them occasionally when I feel like watching something burn.

I mean, something besides the usual.

Master of the eternal flame, Destroyer of all hope and life,

why are u still allied with that idiot called Arthas.
I mean he is sooo cold while u are flaming hot.
That cant work right can it?
And if u have to choose between 500.000.000 minions or kelthuzad wh would you choose?

one of ur unworthy minions.

hellkith (Azjol-Nerub EU)

In order:
1. I'm not.
2. It doesn't.
3. I've already chosen.

(Hums: "Don't know much about history...")

Hey Mr S Lord of keeping the coffee mug hot!
This is Mattdiox of the Wildhammer (EU) server.

I just want to know if you ever took Kiley Kilburn's advice and wrote a book? I mean it seems like a nice thing to do since you live forever and all.
If so, what is the book about? Do you keep it under your bed in a little pink box? Or do you keep it locked in a trunk under your basement? (There are so many methods for a titan to hide his novel in progress)
If you haven't written a book, what would you write one about? Would it be an autobiography? A classic tale of love and war? A thrilling epic of battle? A demonic tale of depression and whoa? Or even .... a hello kitty fan book?

P.S Although they no longer send you invitations to titan reunions ... when you did get invited, did you go all out and rent a nice suit? Or were you the one titan that always shows up in slacks and a t-shirt? I mean there is nothing wrong with that, but it's really hard for titan reunion photographers (Such as myself ((I work part time when I am not giving out the message of the paladin's holy order)) give me a call sometime I'm sure we can do a photo shoot for titan weekly) who work tirelessly to select the best photos and always have to choose between the most smartly dressed titan who isn't too fantastic or the super powerful titan who just had to get there straight from the gym.

Yours paladinly (My own personal term) Mattdiox

Why, yes! I've written many books, in fact. Let me see if I can dig up a bibliography here...
  • I Am So Awesome
  • Why I Am So Awesome: An Essay Collection
  • Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright, Literally: Awesome Things I Have Done
  • The Windswept Airless Plain: A Book of Poetry
  • You're Fired! A Retrospective
  • Leap-Splash, A Titan: The Ultimate Evil Haiku Collection
  • I Am Still Awesome
  • The Sweet-Scented Lily: A Novel
  • Don't Judge Me By My Previous Book: An Autobiography
  • SARGERAS: LEGEND (Volumes 1-18)
  • Is It Cancer? Probably Not: A Complete Guide To Health Care For Immortals
My web dude has written two books of his own, both of which were way too crappy to get published. He's working on revisions to a draft of his third book, some kind of science fiction novel he says, but it still looks pretty crappy to me.

As to the titan reunions, have no doubt that I was the very picture of debonair class. Asbestos tuxedo, all the way.

Sargeras, High Lord of the Burning Legion, Dark Titan of Cooking, and Lord of the Dance,

What kind of place have you got in the twisting nether?

Is it like, a giant palace (of skulls... or is that Kil'jaeden?) or do you just float around in nothingness?

Second Lord of the Dance,


Imagine if Megatron transformed into the Taj Mahal, then hired Morgoth as his interior decorator, and then someone doused it with napalm and set it on fire. Now imagine it's the size of Eurasia.

What is it sitting on? Why, the back of a turtle, of course. And before you ask, it's turtles all the way down.

If you have a question for Sargeras, be sure to drop me an e-mail!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Haiku #48

Countless drops of red
on my quivering fingers.
Cracked ketchup bottle.

Monday, July 20, 2009


So, some of you have tried my amazing meatloaf recipe and said, "Sargeras! Your meatloaf recipe is amazing, but I need more! I just can't be happy until I have another recipe from the Kitchen of the Twisting Nether!"

Well, far be it from me to make any of my readers unhappy.

Today I will explain how to make extremely delicious cookies without the annoyance of baking. These are called "no-bake cookies" and it works even if you're not made out of fire! First, you will need some stuff.

unsweetened cocoa powder
vanilla extract
peanut butter
quick cooking oats
wax paper

(If you don't have any of these things, you will have to make a voyage to the world outside and purchase them at a store. WoW gold is not generally accepted, so make sure you use dollars or euros or whatever. If you don't know what any of these items are, just Google 'em!)

You have your stuff...now what? Well here is what you do!

Step one. Combine 2 cups sugar, 1/3 cup cocoa, 1/2 cup milk, and 1/2 cup butter in the saucepan. (Sorry, metric system users, you will just have to do a little extra Googling.)

Step two. Put the saucepan on one of the burners on the stove (these would be the little round things that get hot). Turn the stove up to medium heat (get an adult or a non-gamer to help with this part if needed!) and put the saucepan on it. Leave it there until its contents boil (lots of little bubbles).

Step three. Remove the saucepan from the heat (and turn off the heat!) and then stir in 1 teaspoon vanilla, 1/2 cup peanut butter, 3 cups of oats, and a pinch of salt.

Step four. Drop the goo in large spoonfuls (however big you want the cookies to be) onto wax paper, and let them cool for about an hour (though you can eat them hot if you're daring.)

Step five. There is no step five because YOU ARE ALREADY DONE!! If they look like little dark brown misshapen lumps that do not greatly resemble normal cookies, congratulations! That means you did it right.

Anyone want to try this and let me know how it goes?

Do I need to rename my blog "Cooking With Sargeras"?!

Friday, July 17, 2009

It's not alcoholism if you're enjoying it

I, the illustrious Sargeras, have written a guest post for the Misadventures of Svenn blog! Thanks to Svenn for the invitation. It does not appear to be up yet, but it will be soon, so, check back later. (UPDATE: It's up!) It is about demonic drinking games.

Yeah, don't lie, you're curious now.

Also (and on an unrelated topic) you should totally read this poem. It is about life and about destructive forces at the same time (so I can, like, totally relate) and also it's only twelve lines long so even the lazy ones can read it! High fives for literacy, everyone.

Anyway, I will be back on Monday. Y'all have a great weekend.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Haiku #47

I dreamed that I dreamed
that I dreamed I was awake.
It was a nightmare!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Ask Sargeras! In which celebrity-bashing is bashed.

What's up peeps. For those of you who are new to this whole Ask Sargeras thing, basically, people send me letters and then I respond to those letters. It's a very new and original concept and I'm pretty sure I'm the first one ever to think of it! RIGHT THEN.

Dark Lord of Poetry, Destruction, and Mt. McKinley-sized proportions, and his humble webservant:

In an extremely inspiring article, you (with xkcd's assistance) noted how video games can be a bad thing.

Now, do you dislike them in general or only the addiction they cause in some cases, and the lack of experiences gained from them?
If you do like them, what games?


Do you ever get invites to titan reunions? Do you even show? If you do, do you just sit in a corner, brooding, or do you stride through the room, owning everyone by virtue of your sheer presence?


Excellent question!

You are no doubt referring to this post. It's worth a read if you haven't already, but here's the gist: life is just too fucking short to waste your time on pointless stuff. I mention World of Warcraft specifically in that post, not because the game is inherently or necessarily pointless, but because it seems to (at times) encourage joyless or repetitious play.

Friends and neighbors, I am here to tell you today that if you're spending hours of your time playing a video game that you do not enjoy, there is something seriously messed up with your life.

Having said that, I am certainly not against video games so long as they make you happy, because we could all use a little more happiness in our lives. Here are some of my all-time favorites, all of which I've played from start to finish, in no particular order:

Super Smash Bros. (and its sequel, Melee)
Tumiki Fighters
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (as well as Majora's Mask, Wind Waker, and Twilight Princess)
Red Alert 2
Super Mario 64
Mario Kart 64
Rocket: Robot on Wheels
Super Mario RPG
Chrono Trigger
Lots and lots of others

I have mixed feelings about the Final Fantasy series; they have some really cool characters and plotlines (especially VI - Kefka's where it's at, yo) but the constant random battling gets a little ridiculous after a while. I also have no interest whatsoever in the Halo games, mainly because I find them so boring.

To be honest though, I hardly play video games at all anymore - not that they've gotten any less fun, I just have so little time for them, what with my bloggin' and planet-bustin' and all!

So, to summarize. Video games are cool. Mindless aggravating repetition, not so much!

As to your other question of whether I go to titan reunions: they've stopped sending me invitations! Do you believe that shit?!

P.S. The original Final Fantasy sucked, and not just a little bit, but with a level of suckage that can only be described as Oreckian. Yeah, that's right, Brian Clevinger, what are you going to do about it?

Dear Sargeras
You must be the perfect person to answer this question.
Whats the best way to get rid of blood stains?
I captured some Male Bloodsail Pirates and Sacrificed them on a stone alter in the full moon light,
Now my nice white robes are covered on sailor blood!

"Out dam spot, out I say,"

Whats the best way to remove it?
Sea Man Stains seem to be allmost impossible to completley get rid of!

Your loyal Warlock
Impish (EU Sporegar server).

If you'd read Scourge Chat Log #2, you'd know the answer to that already. On the other hand, you've got a quote from Shakespeare and a dirty pun, both of which I'm incredibly partial to, so I suppose I'll let you live.

So one time two whales were swimming along when one whale says to the other, "That's the whaling ship that killed my pa! Quick, let's get under it and shoot water from our blowholes to sink it!" The other whale agrees and they sink the ship. Lots of sailors swim out of the wreckage, and the first whale says, "Now help me gobble them up!" The second whale looks at him and says:

"Look, I went along with the blow job, but I'm not swallowing the seamen!"

If you like that sort of classy high-brow humor then you might enjoy reading this.

Please inform me what "Xar il romath da tidesbi" means. Forward Commander To'arch told me that it was insulting enough that anyone in the Burning Legion would kill me instantly for saying it, but how exactly does it translate? Also if there is a more polite way of insuring my instant death and lack of torture or the enslavement of my soul I would be happy to learn that. However I am doubtful that anything polite will avoid torture or soul dismemberment. Do you go in for soul dismemberment or is that just Kil'Jaeden?

Teltanara - Hyjal

If you want to avoid suffering, just make sure you check the "No Suffering" box on the form they give you. It's a small box and easy to overlook, which unfortunately has led to many misunderstandings...I've tried to get it changed, but you know how bureaucracy is. Slow as ice! Which is ironic, really.

Anyway. "Xar il romath da tidesbi." It is the ultimate insult against Sargeras...and you want a translation. Well, I suppose. But you should know - this is an insult so awful, so hideous, so demeaning, that even thinking it may cause you to shudder.

Are you ready?

"Sargeras leaves comments on Perez Hilton's blog."


Dear Sargeras, lord of haikus,

I once heard that taking on the entire burning legion at once would be a lot better than just taking you on. If this is true, and you are more powerful than the legion, why do you need it? Is it just that lackeys are part of the evil lord contract? Or you just need a break so you send your servants to do it for you? Also, could you compare the Lich King, Kil’Jaedan, Aman’Thul and you in terms of power? Like greatest to least or something.

P.S. What T.V. shows do you watch? (if any) just curious.

-Kaelmic, Sentinels US

Yeah, my lackeys are pretty useless, aren't they? The thing that you have to understand about lackeys is that they aren't there to actually accomplish anything; heroes inevitably defeat them in the early stages of their quest, leading to the grand entrance of the primary villain. No, lackeys are a status symbol, like a Mercedes, or an epic mount, or this. Of course you don't need them - that's the point. I've got more lackeys than Voldemort has neurons, and he'd damned well better remember it, too.

To your second question: comparing those three to me is like comparing three campfires to the sun. Yeah, one might be a tad brighter than its neighbor, but does it really matter? IT'S THE SUN

TV, eh, don't generally have time for it; but when I do indulge, my favorites are The Daily Show, The Office, Seinfeld, and Star Trek: The Next Generation. (Are you listening, Jon Stewart? I smell interview!)

Dear mighty titan,

You like coffee as we all know, but theres a question coming up:
Do you like Starbucks?
And if you do: Which Starbucks coffee is your favourite taste?
And: Would you destroy all these wonderfull coffeeplaces together with the rest of our small planet or would you leave lets say a small piece of earth with a starbucks bar on it?

Nicorobbin - Nathrezim/EU

I'm not real big on Starbuck's. Something about those nice, neat, orderly stores just makes me want to BURN EXPLODE DESTROY ALL VENTI ESPRESSO BURNINATION ETC. and also I don't know whose idea it was to offer coffee in 20 oz. increments because really, I don't feel like waiting for them to make six hundred twenty-four thousand of them. On the other hand, the coffee's not bad if you add the right spice to it, and fortunately the dudes in there with their laptops have nice fresh souls, young and juicy and tender. (Manual labor ruins the flavor, don't you know.)

But as for letting a Starbuck's survive, I can only say...welcome to the blog, your naivete is charming. You'll learn better in time. ;-)

That's all the letters for this week! Keep 'em coming! I know there's something you'd like to ask the Fountainhead of Fury, so send that properly punctuated, grammatically correct missive to cwsargeras@gmail.com!

LOBSMAARP: 72% (for mentioning Perez Hilton in the same sentence as a Blizzard character)