Sunday, April 5, 2009


Today I'm introducing my WILFs - these would be Worlds I'd Like to Fry.

Yes, I destroy everything, but some planets are more fun than others. Who wants to ravage someplace like Mars, that's all barren rock and polar ice, for the sake of a few microbes? There's no job satisfaction - no excitement. Mustafar should be the finished product, not the starting point, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, I think you do.

Here are some planets that make me say: "Yeah, I'd hit that."

Alias: Wookieetopia
Setting a planet on fire is so much easier when the surface is made out of kindling. Biodiversity...a complex ecosystem...the truth is, I really do like to stop and smell the flowers. And then I like to submerge the flowers in rivers of molten lava.

Alias: Klingonville
The land is all one big supercontinent, which is, you know, convenient. Also I think Klingons would be really fun to squish. Oh, and it's named after a titan, so you can't beat that.

Alias: Dune
This one might seem counterintuitive, since it's just desert. But for me, it's all about the sandworms. Just imagine - as I'm ripping apart the crust, they'll start flopping around like mile-long earthworms after a big rain. Didn't predict that one, did you, Muad'Dib?

Alias: Home of the Creatively-Named "Minbari"
They have entire cities carved out of crystal. It'd be like walking into a Chihuly exhibit with a sledgehammer.

Alias: Isaac Asimov's Been Drinking Again
Okay, guys, guys - the planet is alive. Honestly. Need I say more?

Alias: Pale Blue Dot
This "Green Movement" thing you folks have going is amazing. You've actually organized a campaign to make your planet more enjoyable for me to burn. It'd be like if an arsonist snuck into somebody's house and found they'd baked him cookies. Keep it up, seriously.

Alias: Lich King Sekrit Clubhouse
Okay, you knew this one was coming. But what can I say? Azeroth is where it's at. One look at those rolling hills and wide, stormy oceans makes me want to plunge my fingers into its tectonic plates and get into some serious mantle. It's taken me a bit longer than I expected, but you know how it is. The anticipation just heightens the pleasure.

Well, that's me. What about you, Gentle Readers? What planet would you annihilate if you had the chance? (And don't say Earth. There are a trillion trillion worlds out there. Be creative with your destruction!)


Norumu said...

There's a bunch of stuck up robots living on that one, last I heard. They would tell you much better than you they are, and you'll get to show them what's what!

Molinu said...

1. Jupiter. I know, I know, there's no life on it. But that sucker is about half a step from becoming a star, so when it goes up it'll make one hell of a bang.

2. Uranus. Just to put a stop to all the stupid astronomy jokes.

3. New Constantinople. It's somewhere in the Wing Commander universe, and is supposedly a place of books, learning, and pleasant little gardens. In other words, flammable and defenseless. Yes please!

4. I can't remember the name, but somewhere in the Gaunt's Ghosts series there is a frozen iceworld with seas made of volatile hydrocarbons. Don't ask me how that's even possible, but if I can find the place I am totally tossing a lit book of matches in there just to see what happens.

I'm sure there's some others, but that's all that comes to mind at the moment.

Anonymous said...

If i were you, Planet New Vegeta would be my decision.
I mean, it's were Goku lives, abd he would surely pwn ur ass if he finds out what you've done to the other planets.
So better be fast ;)

Will said...

How about that Ewok homeworld? You could also dip them in batter and deep-fry them or roast them over Kashyyk's burning ruins. Like, as a late-night snack or something. If the term "late night" even applies to an immortal Flamer of Worlds.

Soeroah said...

Whereever the Ori come from!

Also Santhenar. That poor world has been through far too much.

Sorcer said...

If I could rampage on any given world...
Sure would be fun. I would take the following:

Chulak: Seriously there are some frakkin' Goua'ulds just waiting to achieve total domination about all living. You cannot let someone take your place, can you? At least their little larvas will squish really funny.

You warned us, but: Earth
Personally I don't know a better place to burn. Billions of lives just running around screaming. After everything else perished I would enjoy the quiesence and tkae a vacation.
Even a star-destroyer has to relax once in a while. (There you can come up with a good plan for your next victimized planet *maniac laughter*)

There has to be a planet out there, where all the stupid ideas are born. I mean... Teletubbies... Spongebob... If you stumble over that planet PLEASE burn it. Stupid TV-Shows are like a list of people to burn.

By the way, nice job on Dune ;)

Anonymous said...

Hi my name is katkrap.
Yes. You heard me correctly.
Or, i guess you didnt hear me...
That is beside the point guy!!! The point is, Why have you not yet made a phatty blingin necklace for yourself out of these worlds? instead of pearls, WORLDS. Yes, a good idea i know. If possible, id like to see said necklace before im destroyed... puede ser? :D

Anonymous said...

Re: the Ewok Homeworld - it was a forested moon (see Kashyyyk above) of the planet Endor.

Please please PLEASE in the name of all that's unholy, do that one slowly.

Tinox said...

Lusitania. Three different sentient species living together in harmony? Bound to get a few giggles out of it.

Warraven said...

The planet was never named, but in a trilogy by C.S. Friedman the world reacts to humanity's subconcious in literal ways So, have a phobia of spiders - well, let that phobia get out of hand a little and the next thing you know you're being chased by a swarm of spiders as big as ponies.

Just set a handful of demons loose in strategic areas and the world will pretty much destroy itself.

Fernet said...

I'd crush :


Biggest planet ever discovered.
Beat it!

Oh and please check my webpage lol i need hits so badly i spam everywhere ;)

Unknown said...

"Biggest planet ever discovered.
Beat it!"

Your mother.



Anonymous said...

Cadia, easily. You destroy one world and watch as a horde of Chaos from the Eye of Terror rushes in and destroys a hell of a lot more shit.

Then you destroy them. Everybody wins!

Sargeras said...

@ Norumu: For real, man. Friggin' robots.

@ Molinu: I'll destroy *UR*anus, huh huh huh. Hm, I see what you mean.

@ wingedman: I don't hate Ewoks specifically. Just mammals in general. ;-)

@ Soeroah: It seems we have an SG-1 fan in the house?

@ Tinox: Oh man, for serious. Especially after that one book...what was it called? Everyone Whines Instead of Having Anything Resembling a Plot I think, or maybe it was called Xenocide, I can never remember.

@ Warraven: Sure he didn't steal that idea from somewhere else?

Sargeras said...

@ zefokazawin: "That's no moon...that's yo momma!"

Anthony Clarke said...

Dagobah - You vs Yoda. Who's the master now, huh?

- A pathetic Human.

Sargeras said...

A great warrior? Hmph! Wars do not make one great! CGI, greatness requires!

Warraven said...

I'm pretty sure she didn't steal that idea from Star Trek. I mean, no one dies horribly in that episode. It's just not Friedman-material unless someone dies horribly.

LordoftheDice said...

On the planet Tranquille around KM849 (G-O) lives a little animal known as a "knafn." It is herbivorous and has no natural enemies and is easily approached and may be petted -- sort of a six-legged puppy with scales. Stroking it is very pleasant; it wiggles its pleasure and broadcasts euphoria in some band that humans can detect. It's worth the trip. Someday some bright boy will figure out how to record this broadcast, then some smart boy will see commercial angles -- and not long after that it will be regulated and taxed. That is, unless I destroy it first. The name and catalog number are faked, so I have some time before anyone finds it.

Anonymous said...

please destroy Coruscant, Auir and New Krypton.

Anonymous said...

Mogo of Green Lantern fame, baby. He's alive, too.

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