Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Because I care.

Here's the thing, folks. I'm not sure you appreciate me.

I bet a lot of y'all think I'm just a big angry fallen titan who goes around bashing everything in sight with no thought for tomorrow. And while that description may be completely and 100% true, it fails to capture the time, the energy, the care that goes into each and every planetary bombardment.

Let me prove it to you.

Consider the island of Rockall. Actually, calling it an island is rather generous; what it is, is a 20-meter-tall rock sticking out of the water at 57°35'48" N 13°41'19" W. Seagulls perch there; mollusks cogitate there; not a lot else goes on. Britain claims it, rather halfheartedly. It looks like this.

Charming, no?

Rockall is made largely of granite; it is all that remains of the solidified core of a long-dormant volcano. It has no permanent human inhabitants, owing to its complete worthlessness. The record for the longest human habitation there was 42 days back in 1997, and other visits are planned.

Its location was first charted in 1831 by the British Royal Navy. However, it had been explored by the crew of the good ship HMS Endymion as early as 1810 because, as their lieutenant's journal records, "we had nothing better on our hands." Rockall was responsible for the deaths of 635 people in 1904.

It is 55 million years old; it is the subject of an Act of Parliament; it has its own newspaper; it has a feature called "Hall's Ledge" four meters from the summit; its favorite color is blue; its favorite movie is Rocky; it's been hurt before but it's still willing to take a chance for love.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because I want you to know that I take my destructive responsibilities very seriously. In all of Britain's many wars, not a single one of their enemies has cared enough about this little pebble to fire so much as a potshot at it.

But I know all about it, and when its time comes, I'll blow it to bits along with the rest of your planet. Not because it's big or important or sexy, but because it's there.

Because I care.

"Ask Sargeras" will air next week. I've only gotten two e-mails for this edition so far, so if you really think that feature is A-OK (as three-fourths of you claimed in my Fiery Poll of Doom) then send those e-mails in!


Anonymous said...

Destruction of the rest of the world? Fine. But if your demon-type chaps so much as lay a finger on our uninhabitable sliver of granite, you can bloody well forget about it. Because it's our damn chunk of pointless rock, and we don't stand for such things in England. Needless to say, things will get rather sticky for you if you do. I hear the Budget this year extends to some air rifles and a few of Estes' finest, so watch out.

Sargeras said...


Anonymous said...

Why just blow it up, Fiery Lord of Destruction, burn it up and use it as a flaming bowling ball for destroying some cities, say, New York. I hear they have a lot of tall buildings there that would serve nicely as some pins.

TheDesktopNinja said...

Why do that when he could use, say, the MOON as a flaming bowling ball.

Enjai said...

I think that rock would look dead sexy as the paperweight on a certain Titan's desk.

Sargeras said...

What about a fiery bowling ball that is ALSO a paperweight while ON the moon??

Oh yes. I have plans.

PAUL said...

To weigh down paper on the moon, you'd need a big paperweight. but a combusting island? there would be no paper(burnt) to weigh down let alone OXYGEN TO AID THE ISLAND IN COMBUSTING OMG SARGERAS WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING


Might Mun said...

and my mother always told me I'd never learn about anything from an evil titan.

Might Mun said...

a new battleground for wow is coming out described by blizzard as:
"An island somewhere off the shores of Northrend. A rock, hardly worth a second look. But as insignificant as it may seem, this is no ordinary place. A sound of thunder as waves crash endlessly against rocky cliffs; a sound of fury as swords clash on the blood-stained fields of this island on the edge of forever.

Welcome to the Isle of Conquest."

sounds familiar

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