Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Sargeras in action!

Anthony Clarke had a good suggestion in his last e-mail. Let me quote:

"Maybe you could do a minute-by-minute update of the next planet you destroy? (assuming it isn't us, of course.)"

Indeed I could, Anthony, indeed I could.

8:36 AM
I go over the intelligence. Today's target is a little class-M world called Cornucopia. We haven't been able to gather much data about it so we'll have to play it by ear.

8:55 AM
I pry apart space and time with my trusty Titan Crowbar. Stepping through, I find myself in a low orbit around Cornucopia. It is a pretty little world, green and yellow dotted here and there with specks of brown. Under other circumstances we might have been friends. Around me, my demons gather, their sulfurous exhalations forming small clouds in the starry void.

9:01 AM
My Sorcer-O-Graph has not tingled, which means they don't have magic. Thank the Nether. Magical worlds are a pain in my ass. Every two-bit haberdasher with an amulet can summon a Leviathan to gnaw on your elbows. No thank you!

9:03 AM
They do, however, have advanced technology. I know this because seven hundred and thirty-two warships have just appeared out of the stratosphere. They seem unhappy.

9:06 AM
The warships send signals in the local language. Don't understand them, don't care. I respond with a signal they understand quite well: slicing their mothership in half with Gorribal.

9:07 AM
The other ships scatter. The demons and I play tag; it's soon over. One demon casualty - Err'zkghtall The Flatulent. Can't say I'm particularly heartbroken.

9:43 AM
I descend.

9:48 AM
Nuclear weapons arrive from all directions, wreathing me in mushroom clouds. It is a refreshing sensation. So much more fun than the pacifists. They stop, though, as I approach the surface. Wouldn't want to harm that precious agriculture, you know.

10:08 AM
This is amazing - the dominant life form on this planet is a walking ear of corn. Which titan thought that was a good idea? Heh. This could be more fun than I thought. I wonder...

10:09 AM
YES! They pop into popcorn when you touch them! HAHAHAHAHAHA

12:42 PM
omg this is so fun

1:26 PM
still popping

1:45 PM
Okay time to get serious. Enough of this gratuitous corn popping. It's... hehehehehe

3:30 PM
Okay time to get serious for really reals. I march toward their capital. Its complicated structure of walls forms an elaborate maize designed to repel intruders. It wasn't designed for this intruder, though. I cartwheel across the city till most all of it is on fire, then pick up chunks of the walls and throw them at everything that moves.

4:07 PM
Not much is moving.

4:56 PM
I call in my reinforcements. We have our fun, burning out swaths of the rainforests that spell our names, kicking buttes, shouting CANNONBALL as we leap into lakes. You have to let your troops do this sort of thing to keep them loyal. This isn't the fucking United Federation of Planets, you know.

7:12 PM
We've had our fun...let's do this. Conveniently, this planet has three moons. I grab them and drop to the surface in order by size, starting with the smallest. One...

7:40 PM

8:11 PM

8:18 PM
So a million little epileptic fireflies all having seizures at once. I take a picture with my iPhone.

8:47 PM
Escape pods. Figures. My demons will take care of them. I keep staring at the surface.

8:59 PM
Is this really my purpose? My calling? I sometimes wonder if I should've taken up polo.

9:12 PM
I shake off these thoughts as the planet shakes off its crust, revealing the sumptuous mantle underneath. Another photo for my iPhone. Shiva will be jealous. How long has it been since I called Shiva? I make a mental note.

9:46 PM
It's all over. Nothing left but the paperwork. I take one last lingering gaze over what used to be the landscape, then teleport back to my office to get started on the forms. My demons will handle the cleanup.

10:38 PM
Paperwork is finished. I dictate, of course. No actual paper products are allowed to come within a 3-parsec radius of my person. I should go to bed, but I'm not tired. The amusements of this afternoon forgotten, I pace the halls, indifferently returning the salutes of my terrified deputies. What is this strange ennui? Yet not so strange, after all. I'd be lying if I said I'd never felt it before, on nights when the conquest is a little too easy, the annihilation a little too straightforward.

10:52 PM
I take a Benadryl and head to my sleeping chambers. Enough of this. I'll feel better tomorrow.

2:05 AM
I wake up, sweating. Who's there? No one. Just a dream. I sigh. I've had enough of dreams.

2:05 AM
Maybe tomorrow will be different.

2:05 AM
That's what I said yesterday.


Shanarah said...

Poor Sargeras. All things change, perhaps its time for you as well.

Random Fellow said...

Hey, at least you had a bit of fun, right? But maybe you should think of a way to change things up a bit. It sounds like your getting into a rut.

Maybe try some more subtle forms of destruction? Like, subliminal messaging for nuclear war? Poisoning the Coke factories?

Anthony Clarke said...

I think that goes against the whole "fun" thing. When your the size of mt. Mckinley, "subtle" is really hard. Ever tried to whisper at someone who gets burned by your very breath? Not a fun time, I imagine.

Also, YES!

Dazer said...

It would seem to me, that someone is lonely. I think big ol' Sargy needs a big ol' Hug!

Or a Girlfriend. Either should do nicely.

Tirion Fordring said...

... I thought he was already dating Azeroth.

Sargie, you and me need to get together for some poker some time.

Selaris said...

Exactly what are the qualifications required to be Sargeras' arm candy?

Soeroah said...

Awesome thought processes here! It's like Twitter for Ragnarok.

Anonymous said...

Unless sargey already has a GF or didnt get over Eonar, i think im sensing another contest after the sonnet contest :D

Sargeras said...

@ Tracy: Do you think so? Some days, I wonder...

@ Random Fellow & Anthony Clarke: Indeed, subtlety does not really suit me. I prefer faints to feints.

@ Dazer, Tirion, Selaris, & Anon: The problem with girlfriends is they're all so gosh-darned small! The saying "there are other fish in the sea" doesn't really apply to me and Eonar. :(

@ Soeroah: "It's like Twitter for Ragnarok." Hahaha... okay, I don't even like Twitter but that made me laugh. :D

Inka said...

"Its complicated structure of walls forms an elaborate maize designed to repel intruders."

hehehehe :-D

Poor Sargeras. You sound lonely. Maybe you just need a hug...


Ow. :(

Sargeras said...

@ Inka: I was wondering if anyone would get the "maize" joke. :-)

Anonymous said...

Sounds like an awful long work day. Maybe what you need is a nice little vacation.

Where would a Titan vacation though?

TheDesktopNinja said...

@Sarg: My pitiful human brain completely missed the maize/maze thing. /bonk self

Anonymous said...

you coulda done this like twittering with the posts 140 characters or less, cool post tho

Alkaliho said...

Arn't you like about as big as their frigging ozone layer?

How can one descend when one is bigger then one's moon?
"Thats no moon!" *FWOOSH* *pop* *sizzle*

Sargeras said...

@ Anon 10:26 Anyplace is a vacation compared to the Twisting Nether.

@ TDN: 'sokay. It was SUBTLE.

@ Alkaliho: I am always precisely as big as I need to be!

Anthony Clarke said...

Hmmm, so if it ever comes down to a mine is bigger than yours contest, you'll win?

Sargeras said...

@ AC:


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