Monday, July 6, 2009

Help me serve you better!

It's no secret that I don't generally get a lot of cooperation from the civilizations I obliterate. Razing cities is, by and large, a thankless task; I put in the hours, but does anyone appreciate my hard work? No! The indigenous peoples I encounter flee in terror, mount a resistance, or - in the best cases - sit around and watch apathetically. It's sad, really.

But with Earth, I have a chance to make things different. I have a voice here, and a following. With Earth, I have a chance to get something I've had precious little of so far: cooperation.

Top Ten Ways You Can Help Make Earth's Incineration a Little Easier For Me

10. Think green. Recycle! Drive a hybrid! Ride a bicycle! Anything you can do to clean up the planet makes it that much more fun for me when I destroy it. Nothing worse than swooping down to lay waste to a landscape that's already, well, wasted.

9. Leave the lights on. The brighter your little blue marble is, the easier it will be for me to find it in the vast darkness of space. Of course, these should be energy-efficient lights (see #10).

8. Spread the news. A surprised populace is a panicky populace. Tell your boss there's an "extended holiday" coming up. Give your aunt the news that you might not make the next family reunion. It's all about awareness. (Warning: this may require social interaction outside of Vent. Do your best!)

7. Get a Twitter account. I want there to be lots of happy little tweets when the sky starts turning red. "omg its teh apocalypse!" "RT All has become meaningless." "@CubsFan48 Can't make the game tomorrow, lol u can guess why"

6. Make cookies for me! Some people may assume that because I'm evil, I can't appreciate cookies. Well, that is hurtful stereotyping. The truth is, evil folks enjoy the warm gooey and/or crunchy goodness of cookies as much as anyone else, if not more! C'mon, guys. Help me feel like a giant burning deranged Santa Claus.

5. Buy my merchandise. How will purchasing my blatantly overpriced gear help me blow up your planet? Well, um. It's hard to explain! Actually, that's a good segue into my next point.

4. Don't question me. The last thing I need when the 'splosions get hot and heavy is for someone to decide their voice matters too. Look, let's be logical about this: if your voice mattered too, would I really be dropping a comet on it?

3. Arrange your bodies so that you spell out messages. I just think this would be fun. For me, I mean. Probably not so much for you.

2. Be my friend on Facebook. That way, when the end does come you'll get advance notice! My profile message will say "I think a little burnin' sounds Terra-iffic!" or something equally clever and informative. Plus, my Facebook page is now easier than ever to access: just go to!

1. Watch this video. Completely, utterly, and absolutely unrelated, but damn if it isn't funny!


Anonymous said...

Maybe we'll spell out a poem using our bodies, maybe that'll keep you amused?

Soeroah said...


Lx said...

This made my day :)

MomentEye said...

Giant Burning Deranged Santa Claus!
Giant Burning Deranged Santa Claus!
If there was going to be another Halloween that would totally be my costume.


Sorcer said...

@MomentEye: Exactly my thoughts :D

Sargeras said...

@ bfg: Yes please :-D

@ MomentEye: GBDSC FTW??

Anonymous said...

sargey, i think i know what your next haiku should be about:

giant burning deranged santa claus FTW

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