Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Ask Sargeras! In which the origin of Boxing Day is revealed.

Dear Sargeras,

Does it burn when you pee?


Thank you for this profoundly insightful question. I can honestly say it is questions like these that motivate me to do my job each and every day.

Yes (giggle) it burns when I pee.

Your Great and Enflamed Supremefulship,

I was letting my mind wander during a work related conference call and recalled that eventually entropy death will cause all life and order in the universe to cease. Have you considered this effect and its possible impact on your life's work? Or perhaps I should say the impact of your life's work on the time until entropy death?

It would seem to me as you go about destroying worlds through a series of varying and spectacular methods that you are actually adding energy into the universe (which energy must originate with you). By inserting additional energy into the universe, aren't you actually delaying the eventual entropy death of the universe? Wouldn't the most efficient method of universal destruction involve devising ways to destroy worlds in a way that results in the highest increase in net entropy instead of ways that result in the highest increase in your amusement?

Now my physics jargon may be a bit off, but I believe you get what I'm driving at.

Cheerfully ignorant of the time of my impending doom,

of Doomhammer

You seem to be confusing two separate concepts: energy and entropy. Energy is constant; it can neither be created nor destroyed. Entropy, in contrast, is a measure of disorder, and is always increasing.

Therefore your claim that I am "adding energy into the universe" is quite mistaken. I am of course adding energy into certain systems (namely, the doomed planets) at the expense of energy elsewhere; this does not imply, however, that I am decreasing their disorder. Quite the opposite! I'm a big fan of the second law of thermodynamics, I just think it's going about its work a little too slowly.

Oh, if anybody was expecting a joke there, lucky you, you got a physics lecture instead!

I'm a big fan of your musings and toying with us mortals for your amusement...and your recipes.

However, there is something that has been nagging in the back of my mind recently after reading the sarcasim and horrible puns in the archives. Everytime I read those moments I hear your 'voice' as Nappa from TFS DragonballZ Abridged...just minus the raging stupidity. And I can't help but giggle. I'm curious how accurate this may or may not be. Just wondering.

A mortal that most-likely just bumped his order in line to be smited up a few notches

Regrettably, the rigors of universal immolation leave little time for watching fan-created anime parodies, so I can't claim to be familiar with the voice in question. However I am of the firm opinion that subtracting "raging stupidity" from anyone's voice can only cause them to sound more like myself.

Rest assured, you will be able to judge for yourself when you hear the sound of my voice personally - sooner or later!

O ruler of many demons,

What kind of clothes do you wear? I'd assume they must be coated in some sort of flame-retardant to keep you from embarrassing your demons when compared to your awesome masculinity, but is there a certain brand? Will they be spared in the upcoming apocalypse in order to facilitate your clothing needs, or will you simply destroy things in your ultimate nakedness?

Or perhaps you arrange your flames in a proper formation to cover yourself? If so, does the heat ever become uncomfortable?

And also, how is it possible for you to enjoy the deliciousness that is Dibs ice cream bites? I imagine they'd melt before you got to eat them, but was there ever a time you've been able to try them? Dippin Dots are an equally delicious treat that you're missing out on I bet. Is this why you're hell-bent on destroying planets? Perhaps it's because everyone else gets to enjoy frozen treats while you only get smoldering hot BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE MEATLOAF, which, while delicious (I like to add bacon strips across the top of it) can only take you so far in the wonder that is a sense of taste.

Then again, pretty soon we'll all just have a sense of nonexistence, and you'll still have your Legion Loaf, so I guess it's not all bad, huh?

Crono, Blood Elf Death Knight

PS: You really should get Arthas back in line. I mean seriously, he let the entire Death Knight army he had run free. Just look at the planet, if he had as many Death Knights as the Horde and Alliance do now, he should have overrun the entirety of Azeroth like the instant he rose us from death.

Planets are my Dippin' Dots.

As to the clothing question, I only wear Victoria's Secret. That's right, savor that mental image. Drink it in.

Dearest Sargeras,

I've noticed as I read your blog that you've mentioned several Earth/American holidays. Are there holidays in the Twisting Nether? If so, how are they celebrated? Are there wild celebrations with food, alcohol, and fireworks? Sacrificial demons? Or just relaxing on the couch with a good book?


As a matter of fact, all Earth holidays derive from a single primordial Nether holiday, Cinco De Groundhog Earth Mother Boxing Valentine Christmalloweenstergiving Dragon Boat Day, which occurs once every twenty-two thousand years. We celebrate by eating five tons each of rice dumplings, turkey, and candy, then drinking tequila till we pass out.

If you have a question for Sargeras, be sure to mail it in!


Sorcer said...

Well.... that's an interesting holiday :D
When is this wonderful onomatopoetic day coming up next?

Sargeras said...

I'll have to check my calendar, but I do believe it's coming up in a mere five thousand years or so!

Sorcer said...

Then I have to get immortal sometime soon^^
With that amount of food it definitely is worth it :D
Is it such a portion for everyone who attends the party?

Nyaz said...

It burns when you p...? OOOOOHHH now I get it. OTHER things burn when you... hehehehehe. Okay, that is a good one.

Hee hee hee. Burning.

Molinu said...

Is this a blog, or an experiment in destroying planets over the internet via reality-bending mental images?

Warraven said...

Victoria's Secret! They make the comfiest bras, don't you agree?

/target bleach

Sargeras said...

@ Nyaz: ;-)

@ Molinu: Yes.

@ Warraven: Yaay! Now your insides are all clean!!

Mortiseraphim said...

"Planets are my dippin' dots"

New t-shirt. nuff said.

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