Scourge Chat Log #3

"He who hears not the music thinks the dancer mad."
-African proverb

"On the other hand, if you actually are crazy, a soundtrack doesn't really help."
-Lews Therin Telamon

---

***User "theLichKing" has entered the chat.***

[theLichKing]: Oh shit oh shit oh shit

[theLichKing]: oh shit

***User "Kel'Thuz4d" has entered the chat.***

[Kel’Thuz4d]: you called, my liege

[theLichKing]: We're fucked

[Kel’Thuz4d]: what did you want

[theLichKing]: We're fucked. Someone leaked one of our chat logs to the Internet.

[theLichKing]: And it got posted, like, everywhere but marthastewart.com

[theLichKing]: And Blizzard got hold of it

[theLichKing]: And now they want to meet with us to have a "powwow" about "corporate policy"

[theLichKing]: We're hosed

[Kel’Thuz4d]: whos blizzard

[theLichKing]: What?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: is that an ice elemental

[theLichKing]: You've got to be fing kidding me.

***User "Killzone'jaeden" has entered the chat.***

[Killzone’jaeden]: This had better be more important than the last time you summoned me

[Killzone’jaeden]: From my dark throne in the depths of the seething chaos in the rift between dimensions

[Killzone’jaeden]: To discuss your heating bill

[Kel’Thuz4d]: one of his ice elementals is rebelling

[Kel’Thuz4d]: and it wants to have a discussion

[Killzone’jaeden]: *facestab*

[Kel’Thuz4d]: wait whose face are we stabbing

[Kel’Thuz4d]: this is a question of some importance for me

[theLichKing]: GUYS

[theLichKing]: There's no ice elemental. Our chat log leaked and Blizzard's going to fire us.

***User "Sindragosa1337" has entered the chat.***

[Sindragosa1337]: whats t3h h33zy sh33zy

[Kel’Thuz4d]: a blizzard is on fire and its leaking

[Sindragosa1337]: rid1culous

[Sindragosa1337]: as a fr0st wyrm i can s4y wit some auth0rity that the scenario you describe

[Sindragosa1337]: is pretty much ret4rded

[theLichKing]: Kel'thuzad, shut up. Sindragosa, you know who Blizzard is right?

[Sindragosa1337]: and now we're p3rs0nifying it

[Sindragosa1337]: can i leave?

[Killzone’jaeden]: Based on past experience, I'd say our suffering has only begun.

***User "An00b'arak" has entered the chat.***

[Killzone’jaeden]: Aaaand I'm right.

[theLichKing]: Anub, you know who Blizzard is, right?

[An00b’arak]: of course

[theLichKing]: Finally. Someone who's not a complete ignoramus.

[An00b’arak]: dq sells them

[An00b’arak]: they are delicious

***User "BlizzardRep" has entered the chat.***

[Kel’Thuz4d]: OMG ITS THE GIANT FLAMING ICE CREAM ELEMENTAL

[BlizzardRep]: ...

[theLichKing]: What he means to say is

[theLichKing]: "Hi! How are you?"

[Kel’Thuz4d]: *licks the blizzard*

[Killzone’jaeden]: Oh gross

[Killzone’jaeden]: You don't know where that's been

[Killzone’jaeden]: Also, since when do you have a tongue

[BlizzardRep]: Everybody be quiet please.

[theLichKing]: Yes sir.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Oh you call *him* sir.

[theLichKing]: He's from Blizzard. They're the gods of our universe.

[Sindragosa1337]: u mean like c'th0n

[theLichKing]: No! I mean they're the Creators.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: u mean like the titans

[theLichKing]: No! I mean they're behind everything we do.

[An00b’arak]: u mean like that creepy gnome

[BlizzardRep]: Everyone! Please be quiet for a second!

[An00b’arak]: what r titans

[Killzone’jaeden]: Oh for Pete's sake

[BlizzardRep]: EVERYBODY SHUT THE HELL UP

[Killzone’jaeden]: ...

[Sindragosa1337]: ...

[theLichKing]: ...

[BlizzardRep]: Now. We have a situation.

[BlizzardRep]: A chat log timestamped March 20, between some of the major Scourge and Burning Legion leaders, has been leaked to the Internet.

[BlizzardRep]: Followed a short time later by another.

[BlizzardRep]: These documents make us look, to put it charitably, ridiculous.

[BlizzardRep]: Lich King.

[theLichKing]: Y-yes...

[BlizzardRep]: You are the face of our expansion. We rely on you to project a good image for our entire brand.

[BlizzardRep]: Tell me. Do you find anything amusing about performing sexual acts...on a potato?

[theLichKing]: No sir. Absolutely not.

[Killzone’jaeden]: *snicker*

[An00b’arak]: amusing, moar like satisfying

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ahem, can u please describe said acts in greater detail

[Sindragosa1337]: XD

[BlizzardRep]: The farmers' groups are already complaining.

[BlizzardRep]: And I'm sorry to say, you fared _best_ out of everyone.

[BlizzardRep]: Kil'jaeden, Kel'thuzad, and Sindragosa.

[BlizzardRep]: Your blatant prejudice is shocking. Our company values diversity above all. I am very disappointed in you.

[Sindragosa1337]: tl;dr

[Killzone’jaeden]: Are you a snow cone or a chatbot? We sort of have a bet going.

[BlizzardRep]: Phylumism, were it an actual thing, would go against everything we stand for as a corporation.

[An00b’arak]: yes thats what ive been saying thank you thank you

[An00b’arak]: >8< >8> <8< <8> >8< spider priiiiiide

[An00b’arak]: free at last

[An00b’arak]: whose awesome

[An00b’arak]: im awesome

[An00b’arak]: whose awesome

[An00b’arak]: im awesome

[BlizzardRep]: Anub'arak.

[An00b’arak]: yessssssssss

[BlizzardRep]: You're an idiot.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Huzzah!

[BlizzardRep]: Azjol-Nerub and Naxxramas have become a laughingstock.

[Sindragosa1337]: is this an 4pril f00ls j0ke

[Kel’Thuz4d]: no bc if it was then kiljaeden be like "Huzzah!"

[Kel’Thuz4d]: and teh chat would be like

[Kel’Thuz4d]: Killzone'jaeden stands up and burps mightily "Huzzah!"

[Kel’Thuz4d]: And does the hokey pokey

[Kel’Thuz4d]: And LARPs

[An00b’arak]: listen

[An00b’arak]: we dont have to take this

[BlizzardRep]: Funny thing, you do, actually.

[BlizzardRep]: Let me introduce you to a little script I call

[BlizzardRep]: /beatdown

[Killzone’jaeden]: OH SHI-

[theLichKing]: aaaaaaahhhhh

[Sindragosa1337]: t3h p41n!1

[An00b’arak]: oh im gonna start twitching i can tell already

[Kel’Thuz4d]: *literalheaddesk*

[An00b’arak]: here it goes, the twitching

[theLichKing]: OMG

[An00b’arak]: dsuihweoiuefhweuihgweowghazdsdddddddddddddddddddddd

[An00b’arak]: sdlksdfjffhfskl;;;sdhfs;;;;;;

[An00b’arak]: sajdldjksjkl

[An00b’arak]: and were done

[BlizzardRep]: It's not you numbskulls I'm worried about though.

[BlizzardRep]: It's this Sargeras character

[BlizzardRep]: Who started

[BlizzardRep]: An effing

[BlizzardRep]: Blog.

[An00b’arak]: hsjjhskjdkjdkdjd

[An00b’arak]: sry aftershock

[BlizzardRep]: Where the hell is Sargeras anyway?

[Killzone’jaeden]: Ok about that. I guarantee he did not start a blog

[theLichKing]: Yeah I can back him up on this actually. Sargeras is not what you would call...creative.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ...literate.

[Killzone’jaeden]: ...sentient.

[BlizzardRep]: I'm not wrong about this.

***User "~*`Sylvanas'*~" has entered the chat.***

[theLichKing]: Oh no not this again

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: What are you talking about, Arthas? I'm just responding to the Blizzard summons as ordered.

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: I respect the wishes of our programmers.

[theLichKing]: Well I don't. Screw you Blizzard!

[theLichKing]: No it's her! She's saying that!

[theLichKing]: No, it was me. I have schizophrenia.

[theLichKing]: It's the whole two-souls-in-one-body thing.

[theLichKing]: I do NOT have schizophrenia!

[theLichKing]: Right, I'm just arguing with myself

[theLichKing]: Nothing schizo about that

[theLichKing]: It's Sylvanas! She's betraying me!

[theLichKing]: "Sylvanas" is what I call my other personality.

[theLichKing]: OMG

[theLichKing]: Make her stop

[theLichKing]: Isn't it interesting that my other personality is a woman?

[theLichKing]: *makes out with self*

[theLichKing]: Ew! Gross!

[theLichKing]: Oh right I forgot I only do it with vegetables

[Killzone’jaeden]: I could listen to this for hours.

[BlizzardRep]: /beatdown

[Killzone’jaeden]: OW STOP OKAY

[An00b’arak]: wehgpwhghgrpihwgpghwpwghiugnibgnwiug4nuigrnibniehnrgphngrpiwhaoigwhgoihrg94984hgriruwh

[An00b’arak]: dont mind me

[An00b’arak]: the twitching is oddly enjoyable

[BlizzardRep]: Where is Sargeras?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: *shrug*

[Killzone’jaeden]: I'll go get him

***User "Killzone'jaeden" has left the chat.***

[Kel’Thuz4d]: *sings* so ready now for ullll-du-ar

[theLichKing]: Aw man don't get that stuck in my head again

[theLichKing]: Now I'll be singing it for hours

[Kel’Thuz4d]: nah it's easy to get rid of it, just insert something else even catchier

[theLichKing]: NO DON'T

[Kel’Thuz4d]: this was a triumph... im making a note here, huge success

[theLichKing]: It's hard to ohhhhh-verstate my saaaaaaa-tisfaction... AAAARRRGGGGHH

[theLichKing]: *WRATH*

***User "Killzone'jaeden" has entered the chat.***

[Killzone’jaeden]: Sargeras isn't available at the moment.

[BlizzardRep]: Isn't. Available.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Um, it's a little thing called

[Killzone’jaeden]: "The Burning Crusade"

[BlizzardRep]: What.

[Killzone’jaeden]: http://www.wowwiki.com/Burning_Crusade

[BlizzardRep]: I KNOW WHAT IT IS

[Killzone’jaeden]: Well you're pretty knowledgeable for a snowcone aintcha?

[BlizzardRep]: ...seriously?

[BlizzardRep]: Does *nobody* here know who I am? What Blizzard is?

[BlizzardRep]: Does nobody get what this is about?

[BlizzardRep]: Does anyone even care about the customers?

[theLichKing]: I do!

[BlizzardRep]: The vote of Mr. Potato Head...does not count.

[BlizzardRep]: Anyone else?

[An00b’arak]: still twitching...

[An00b’arak]: ...

[An00b’arak]: ...

[An00b’arak]: ...

[An00b’arak]: ...done.

[BlizzardRep]: Ok fine. Listen, I'm going to explain it.

[BlizzardRep]: In the beginning there was Warcraft, and it was good.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: *gets popcorn*

[BlizzardRep]: Then came Warcraft II and Warcraft III. But the people wanted more. And lo, Blizzard looked upon Evercrack, and saw that its power could be turned to its own purposes.

[BlizzardRep]: And Blizzard did smile down from upon its high throne, and release World of Warcraft unto the masses.

[BlizzardRep]: And WoW begat BC, which begat WotLK.

[BlizzardRep]: NOW do you get it?

[Sindragosa1337]: omg tfl;dr

***User "Sindragosa1337" has left the chat.***

[BlizzardRep]: *sigh*

[Kel’Thuz4d]: so wait

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ur the one who created the titans

[BlizzardRep]: Yes!

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ur the one who bestows patches

[BlizzardRep]: Yes...

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ur the one who controls the pixels

[BlizzardRep]: Yes.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: then y are u working for dairy queen

[BlizzardRep]: F A C E

[BlizzardRep]: P A L M

***User "SARGERAS" has entered the chat.***

[SARGERAS]: I AM TEH DARK TITAN!!!11

[SARGERAS]: I will... destroy.. the worlds...

[SARGERAS]: *sigh* My heart's just not in it today, guys.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: awww

[Killzone’jaeden]: It's okay, Master. It happens to the best of us.

[Killzone’jaeden]: I myself once went three whole weeks without ripping apart anyone's soul.

[SARGERAS]: Really?

[Killzone’jaeden]: ...no.

[SARGERAS]: I've just felt so...down, lately.

[SARGERAS]: I keep getting all these "Cease And Desist" letters

[SARGERAS]: When all I want to do is write on my blog

[SARGERAS]: And blow up planets

[SARGERAS]: And sell T-shirts at a ridiculously inflated profit margin

[BlizzardRep]: Yeah ABOUT THAT

[BlizzardRep]: Do you have any idea how many copyright laws you've violated in the past month?

[BlizzardRep]: You can't misuse our copyrighted works!

[SARGERAS]: I *am* your copyrighted works

[BlizzardRep]: Aha! So you admit it!

[BlizzardRep]: This is an outrage!

[BlizzardRep]: You will stop what you're doing at once!

[BlizzardRep]: Blah blah blah I'm boring blah blah copyright!! >:O

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: OH NO SHE DIDUNT

[BlizzardRep]: Oh you want a piece of me?

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: bring it lactose boy

[BlizzardRep]: It's on like Donkey Kong

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: lets do this thing

[BlizzardRep]: *prepares /GMbeatdown*

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: *assumes dramatic stance*

[theLichKing]: *puts on Angry Eyes*

[Killzone’jaeden]: *chargin his laser*

[An00b’arak]: *wets self quietly*

[Kel’Thuz4d]: STOP!!!

[Kel’Thuz4d]: have we lost our way? turning on one another like enemies? arent we all in this together, really?

[Kel’Thuz4d]: dont we all want EA to fail?

[Killzone’jaeden]: He's right.

[Kel’Thuz4d]: Really?

[Killzone’jaeden]: NO! What are you, dense? We've the villains

[Killzone’jaeden]: GET HIM

[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: chaaaaaarge

[SARGERAS]: RAAAAAAAAAAAA

[Killzone’jaeden]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[theLichKing]: ...

[Killzone’jaeden]: ...

[Kel’Thuz4d]: ok so, this is a chat, we cant actually fight

[theLichKing]: Right.

[Killzone’jaeden]: Right you are then

[SARGERAS]: Glad that's settled.

***User "~*`Sylvanas'*~" has left the chat.***

[BlizzardRep]: /beatdown

[Killzone’jaeden]: AAGGGH SERIOUSLY

***User "Killzone'jaeden" has left the chat.***

***User "Kel'Thuz4d" has left the chat.***

[theLichKing]: Listen I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the whole chat log thing

[BlizzardRep]: Just make sure it doesn't happen again.

[theLichKing]: Of course. Certainly not. No more chat logs posted again, ever!

[theLichKing]: And if your programmers just have a second sometime to adjust the heat settings in my throne room...

[BlizzardRep]: Get out of my presence!

[theLichKing]: *shiver*

***User "theLichKing" has left the chat.***

[SARGERAS]: That went well.

[BlizzardRep]: OUT!!

***User "SARGERAS" has left the chat.***

[BlizzardRep]: *sigh* Shigeru Miyamoto doesn't have to put up with this shit.

***User "BlizzardRep" has left the chat.***

[An00b’arak]: <.<

[An00b’arak]: >.>

[An00b’arak]: /beatdown

[An00b’arak]: wehwoihweoweihfweihwefoiuhnkjewhiuh3oih3io34iuf3bniouff4iu84h7hwaeiufhiowwf

[An00b’arak]: oweihjfewphwiwehawfpoi3983

[An00b’arak]: owahifewpwhfepwfhewf

[An00b’arak]: weoihf

[An00b’arak]: ...

[An00b’arak]: ^_^

***User "An00b'arak" has left the chat.***

---

Hope you enjoyed it. Oh, and thanks to commenter "Alkaliho" for the Lich King schizophrenia idea!