Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Shakespearegeras

Sargeras: Forsooth! What light 'round yonder sun breaks free? It is a wandering light, a star's star; prithee, vagrant lamp, by what name art thou known?

Azeroth: By men I am called Azeroth; yea, and by orcs as well, if it come to that. But who makes bold to seek without deigning also to reveal? Wouldst thou know my name and not unveil thine own? Come, stranger, let's have't.

Sargeras: I am the Destroyer, the Shadow-King, the Reaper and the Bringer of Night. I am called Starfall and Deathblade. I am Tamer of Demons, and Highest of the Low. By all these names am I known.

Azeroth: Yet not often called, I'll warrant. Come, be plain. I gave thee no riddles and ask for none. What is thy proper name?

Sargeras: I am named Sargeras.

Azeroth: Sargeras! Yea, I know thee well, and have been warned against thee. I too would speak in riddles, were I in thy colossal shoes; for thy name bids ill to all, and welcome to none. Alas that my orbit proceeds of a fix'd course, for I would fain avoid thee! But as destiny bids it, I ask: what wouldst thou have of me?

Sargeras: What? Am I undone before thou knowest me? Can a titan not travel whither he wilt, and speak at his pleasure? For I will no more of thee than thy sweet self; and were that too much to grant, why, I'll but watch thee from afar, and be content.

Azeroth: Lies, and spoken with the truthful ease of endless repetition! O! am I a newborn planet, to fall prey to such simple snares? Or have I no knowledge of the wolf, to be led astray by the chieftain of the pack? I am no lamb, ye rogue, and were I half my age and twice the fool I'd say the same. Thou art no friend to anyone.

Sargeras: Ungrateful child! Am I not among the ones who made thee? Did I give thee lips that thou might curse me, or arms to strike me, or broad clouds that thou might turn them dark with wrath and send lightning against me? Nay, I am thy lord, without whom thou hast not form; and wherefore now thy ingratitude?

Azeroth: The arachnid likewise giveth life to its young, and likewise them consumeth; and the young do well to be wary. Come, I tire of games, pursue thy will with me or get thee hence.

Sargeras: E'en so?

Azeroth: E'en so.

Sargeras: Then I advance! And O, thy hills draw me in, thy green grass tempeth me; for what is green without its brother crimson, and what verdant plains do not beg the kiss of fire? Come now to me, and I'll make thee complete; for thou knowest only the ways of life; now meet thy other half.

Azeroth: Back! Fiend! Nor am I defenseless, though thou fancy it so; and if thou come with fire, thou shalt thyself be burn'd.

Sargeras: Indeed?

Azeroth: Indeed, and no surprise! Have I not kept thee back all these long years? Have my ramparts not proved equal to thy darts? Yea, and doubly so, for I have known other foes than thee, and yet survive.

Sargeras: Then it is battle!

Azeroth: Battle!

Sargeras: Ha! BANG!

Azeroth: POW!

Sargeras: BIFF! BOOM! BANG!

Azeroth: ZAPOW!

Sargeras: KABLOOIE!!

Azeroth: Whammo!!!

Sargeras: ZAAAPPPPP

Readers: What. The. Fuck.

LOBSMAARP: 12%

31 comments:

MomentEye said...

You can't use 'fain' and 'kablooie' in the same post. That's just plain evil.

Oh. Right.

PDSM

l0stmyrel1g10n said...

This is marvelous! I only wish there'd been more Shakespearean dialogue before the sound effects bit.

Anthony Clarke said...

That was so amazing I jizzed in my pants.

bigfootgolem said...

You speak in riddles, what is it you are trying to convey here! The message is hidden from my wary eyes!

Oh and I totally didn't say WTF.

Diljabar said...

Is this your blog's first F bomb?

Patrick said...

That.
Was.
AWESOME

I love reading Shakespeare, and that was really, really well executed

Tharavol said...

Well done sir, well done.

Alej said...

*Bows at the sight of your Shakespearegerean greatness*

No "WTFs" at all! just a bunch of "Roflmao!" actually! *applause* great job Mighty Lord!

Anonymous said...

sargey, i gotta say. i love shakespeare, and
THIS.
IS.
A.
F*CKING.
MAZING!

Anonymous said...

LOBSMAARP is a trite low on this one I'll wager.

Tom said...

Well wrote Sargie!!

Alas said...

Brilliant Sargie!

Warraven said...

Wow. Oh wow oh wow oh wow. That was absolutely hysterical.

Selaris said...

Fracking awesome! I demand more! Are you going to tell us what is said after Sargeras loses? Oooh, or maybe you could do one between him and Eonar...

arallion said...

*sitting at desk laughing helplessly*
ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hawesome...

Robert said...

The amount of win here cannot be contained on the internet!

Nyaz said...

I... don't know... where to begin... I... it... it's just... it's beautiful...

foxwing said...

*laughs* From Shakespear to Adam West Batman. Love it! ^_^

Sargeras said...

@ Diljabar: Not by a long shot. Ever read Scourge Chat Log #2 or 3?

@ Warraven & everyone else: Thanks...to be honest I'm kinda surprised everyone likes it so much! Hm, maybe more like this in the future, then?

Ikohe said...

Omg, most epic post to this date....

You win good sir

Soeroah said...

Hah. Azeroth CAN talk. Those mean Orcs in Orgrimmar Tech kept laughing at me ideas, but I have proof! Mwahahaha!

idlecide said...

This consistant level of awesome is why I keep coming back.

Nothing better than kickin' back in front of the computer on a nice quiet morning with my tea, going to the dark titan's blog, and then expelling tea THROUGH MY NOSE as I fall over in fits of laughter.

Once again, you win at the internet.

Anonymous said...

The transition from Shakespearian dialogue to deity/planet-made sound effects certainly deserved a, "Lolwut?" followed by the appropriate, "Roflmao!"

Well done.

Anonymous said...

So AWEsome, I just wish I knew people that would get it so I could share it with them.

Anonymous said...

The LOBSMAARP: % is a bit low.

Anonymous said...

Awesome work milord.

Time and time again you prove to have the most hilariously blog on all our puny internets.

Anonymous said...

If your poetry was as good as this post, I would actually come back here more than a couple times a week.

Anonymous said...

That. Was. Awesome.

Next to the chatlogs, this is the best post you've ever made. It made me laugh at WORK. My boss was staring at me.

Dammit.

Anonymous said...

Such awesomeness deserves comments by readers

The WTF was the best part

Arthas said...

WIN!

velinath said...

Brilliant.

That aside, I would agree with previous commenters - the LOBSMAARP seems a bit low. =)

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